Monday Recap

 Gents,

At long last we had ourselves a competitive week of fantasy basketball! Every matchup was decided by fewer than 100 points, with two matchups decided by 40 and one by 20(!) Congrats to everyone for putting your best foot forward. Onward.

We have some injury updates

• Jalen Johnson - set to miss 4-6 weeks. Looks like Saddiq Bey has stepped into the starting lineup. Atlanta's rotation's pretty tight, but if you're incredibly desperate, Wes Matthews saw a slight uptick in minutes filling in
• Kristaps Porzingis - out at least 1 week, and with Tingis Pingis' history, size, and Boston's lack of depth, I expect them to take it pretty slow. Horford will start in his stead, which opens the door for Luke Kornet (wink, nudge, Michael)
• Jeremy Sochan left last night's game. No update on him so far, but something to keep an eye on. Justin Champagnie's been playing well. Although Devin Vassell has been coming off the bench for the Spurs, so they're impossible to pin down
• In the continued fallout from Timelord's injury, Jabari Walker keeps playing well, and a man named Duop Reath is getting serious minutes at backup center

We have some eligibility updates, and by some I mean a lot

• Santi Aldama's lost eligibility so I dropped him
• Aaron Nesmith has two weeks
• Eric Gordon lost it so I dropped him
• Saddiq Bey has two weeks
• Terance Mann's been starting so he's got the rest of this week
• Malcolm Brogdon's starting even with Scoot back so I hate to say it but he's gotta go to the bench
• Miles Bridges has the rest of this week and then he's gone
• Jaden Ivey has secretly started four games in a row, so he has til the end of the week
• Patrick Williams popped back into the starting lineup, but we're just monitoring him for now
• Duren's supposed to come back so Marvin Bagley should be fine
• Toumani Camara has been starting for a while, apparently. Can't say anyone saw that coming. He's got til the end of the week
• Josh Richardson is on the clock, but he's got the full two weeks
• Nic Batum has til the end of this week

As a pairing, here are some quality Free Agents

• Lonnie Walker IV
• David Roddy
• Max Christie
• Larry Nance Jr
• Jaylin Williams (the center)
• Luke Kornet
• Duop Reath

And now, to wrap it up, Bonus Stars

The My God He's Not Even Getting Loophole Starts and He's Leading the League in Points This Week Bonus Star goes to Cole Anthony, for putting up 167

The Toby Keith "Justice Will Be Served and the Battle Will Rage" Bonus Star goes to Steven for beating Isaac and his deplorable team of degens

The How the Hell Did You Pull This One Off Bonus Star goes to Cody for scoring the second fewest points this week, but going up against the guy who scored the fewest

Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

 Gents,

As we reach the first benchmark of the season, it's time to categorize some teams' benches as Lilo and Stitch Characters.

Indiana Pacers - Lilo

If you don't know ball, this bench is easy to overlook. Plenty of youth, a former top-10 flameout, a few positionless guys, not a ton of 2K hype. But when you see them in action it all makes sense. They're precocious (complimentary), feisty, intelligent, and they have great taste in music (probably). They're the number one scoring bench in the whole league, and we have just about every one of them in our league. If you're buying stock in any character, it's Lilo; and if you have an Indiana guy, you're probably doing alright.

Boston Celtics - Scrump

Not pretty enough to play with the other girls, laden with guys the home crowd can convince themselves are good (Kornet) and some imaginary greatness (Brissett, Banton, Stevens). I can go on, and in fact I will: old and you have to play with them gently (Horford), generally lifeless but occasionally fun (Pritchard), exactly as it appears (Hauser).

Chicago Bulls - Nani

No matter what, they can't get their shit together. The house is a mess, dinner's late and burned, someone nailed the door shut, and the CPS officer is right behind them. It's abysmal right now, but with at least one big trade on the horizon, it's got potential.

Dallas Mavericks - Pleakley

They're like that meme of the three dragons where two are scary and the last one's derpy, except the other way around. THJ is cooking and the rest of them have been useless. Much like Pleakley, they have a specific set of skills that makes them very useful until they face adversity of any sort. Also much like Pleakley, a lot of them are playing in a foreign land.

New York Knicks - David

Just a stand-up guy who's easy to root for. We've got four players from this team and they're all rock solid. 

Philly 76ers - Jumba

It's gonna take Nick Nurse embracing his inner mad scientist to make this work. We have six guys from this team in our league, and things have been...rocky. Pat Bev is in and out of decent minutes, RoCo and Batum have fully undefined roles, BBall Paul still isn't seeing enough of the floor, KJ Martin hasn't been let out at all, and Kelly Oubre got hit by a fucking car.

Denver Nuggets - Bubbles

One man, standing alone, doing everything he can. That's Bubbles, and that's Christian Braun, the only player in our league on the Nugs. Bubbles allegedly belonged to an organization, but despite clearly being in a situation where he needed backup, none were available. The Nugs are still doing fine, but they're bench is gonna continue to struggle unless they get some extraterrestrial help.

Phoenix Suns - Gantu

They were supposed to be big and scary, but they're just terribly disappointing, they fail us at every turn. I thought this was going to be one of the deepest wells in the league, and we only have two of their guys. Once Beal comes back we'll get a third, but Keita Bates Diop, Jordan Goodwin, Josh Okogie, and Bol Bol are all underperforming to say the least.

Golden State Warriors - Mertle and her bitches

How many of them are there? They're mean, a bit undersized, and somewhere in between indispensable and trade bait. There's a clear ringleader (CP3) and a rotating cast of bullies behind him. They're popular as all hell and benefit wildly from media presence (we have six of them in our league).

LA Clippers - Stitch

Wild, volatile, capable of incredible things and mass destruction. They already look wildly different than they did a couple of weeks ago, and they feel like they're gonna change again. Also Russ as Stitch is just too perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll

A New Week

 Gents,

In a week of blowouts, where the average margin of victory was 243 points, Michael and Isaac found themselves in a game decided by 11 points. What cost him in the end: His irredeemable sins? The immeasurable weight of guilt? God herself? Let's walk through it.

• On Monday, Bald Jesus was hurt and The Big Ragu put up 7 points. We were off to a rather dull start
• On Tuesday, Isaac's team continued its slender lead with a loophole start by Reggie Jackson, a 50 ball from recently eligible Austin Reaves, and another great game from soon-to-be concussed Nick Richards. Injuries to Tari Eason, Kelly Oubre, Cam Thomas, and Mason Plumlee weren't a factor. Yet
• On Wednesday, we had a real BYU affair as Austin Reeves, Alex Caruso, Drew Eubanks, and spiritually-white Jonathan Isaac faced off, with Michael slowly clawing his way back into the picture
• Thursday rolled around and things tilted as Michael had three guys playing against zero for Isaac. Michael's three gave him 83 big ol' points
• Friday was a full slate of rocky scores. Jonathan Isaac gave Isaac's team 41 while Richards, Reaves, and Sasser gave him 14 combined. Kevin Knox, the epitome of Toad screaming "Don't you people ever die!" in the first X-Men movie, had 46, beating out teammate Caruso's 45
• Saturday, in a week that looked like a wrap, Isaac cut the lead to manageable with simply unreal games from Miles "Going Straight to Hell" Bridges and the Big Ragu (who had 63!!!). Meanwhile, all points matter, Duncan Robinson continued to hoop with 36
• On the final day, Michael's team tried desperately to throw in the towel. Shaving points by leaving Niang's 18 on the bench, the starters put up a combined 22 points. The league is investigating. On the other side of that bet, Isaac's team put up 99 points, including 35 from latecomer Austin Reaves. Thank god we had one good matchup, and that god the team Miles Bridges is on lost

Now for some Free Agents

1. Jose Alvarado - Seems to be coming back this week. Pels need him, he's a guarantee for a steal
2. Keita Bates-Diop - The Suns starting lineup has been a splatter painting so far. Okogie was the guy, then KBP, now it's Ted Cruz. He's certainly someone with high fall-entirely-out-of-the-lineup potential, but in his last two games he's played 20 and 23 minutes and he's put up 30 and 20 fantasy points
3. David Big Body Roddy - Now he's put up 5 points combined in his last two games, but he's played 26 and 20 minutes. Gotta believe he pulls his way out of that slump with that much time on the court. Plus, Memphis need all hands on deck
4. Jordan Hawkins - It's a gamble. He's been playing really well, but if Alvarado comes back and takes his starting spot, he's a great pickup. Someone to keep an eye on rather than someone to take a swing on

Bonus Stars!

The Worst Person I Know Bonus Star goes to Isaac for picking up Miles Bridges

Newsletter After Dark

Gents,

I was going to wait til Monday to do the usual spiel, but you wouldn’t believe how grating it is to sit next to Isaac while Miles Bridges goes for back-to-back one-handed alley oops. Despicable. So here we go.

Oh Brother Where Art Thou awards for the week:

  

The “I have it on good authority that that [man] sold his soul to the Devil!” award goes to Isaac, for picking up the wifebeater. Boo. Hiss. 

The “Hot damn, son, I do believe you sold your soul to the devil!” award goes to Miles Bridges, for playing really well. It’s clear his Faustian gambit is paying early dividends. Just wait for the other shoe to drop. 

The “He’s a suitor” award goes to everyone with a Grizzly on their team. That franchise is cursed, and literally anyone you have from them on your squad who’s healthy is worth keeping around.

The “Come on in boys, the water is fine” award goes to THT for falling out of the starting lineup and into the warm, redeeming waters of our fantasy league and Steven’s team.

The “These boys is not white!” award goes to Michael’s whole team. Duncan Robinson has been capital H Hoopin’, and the white wonder is right behind him.

The “One with the capacity for abstract thought” award goes to Immanuel Quickley, for being the shining star of Peanut’s team while pretty much everyone else underperforms.

The “What does he know? He’s just a blind old fool” award goes to OMT for picking up Russ.

The “They done loved him up and turned him into a horny-toad” award goes to Will’s team. There’s no reason everyone’s hurt unless they stumbled into some sirens and got all loved up and turned into toads.

The “I don’t get it, Big Dan” award goes to Jalen’s team for getting walloped by the other winless team in the league.

The “Careful with that fire, now, boys!” award goes to Bobby Portis for getting 136 points this week. That man is red hot.

The “Little Warbigals” award goes to Cody for picking up a couple young’uns like Camara, Wallace, and Podz. Keep ‘em on a string or they’ll wander off.

The “Do a little politicking” award goes to Cam Payne (get it?) for becoming a solid backup point guard as of late.

The “I’m George Nelson, born to raise Hell!” award goes to Jose Alvarado for getting real close to coming back into the league and wreaking havoc. If you need a fuck shit up PG, now’s your chance.

Good luck out there, gents.

Monday Newsletter 11/13

 Week 3 is in the books, and pretty much nothing has settled in. Let's get into it.

• 2-0 Old Man Team dropped the ball, leveling the standings and leaving just one undefeated team remaining (more on that later)
• Mike Honcho's Magic Men suffered the loss of Timelord and dropped to 0-3
• New Bern Nematode's welcome to the league game has turned into a welcome to the league season
• I dominated but lost Jalen Johnson to eligibility and am deeply considering dropping Grayson Allen for the same reason since the Suns simply refuse to get healthy
• Twerk Nowitzki set back race relations 100 years by beating Nevada Nidokings with Duncan Robinson, Alex Caruso, and Drew Eubanks
• Sky High Smiths followed my advice by picking up guys like Luke Kennard and Toumani Camara, and they're sitting at 1-2
• Luka Deez Beanz rides the scalding hot hand of Jaime Jaquez Jr to 2-1

Time to analyze a trade

On November 1st, Isaac sent Payton Pritchard to Will for Jonathan Isaac. At the time, the two were simply exchanging problems. Since being traded, Jonathan Isaac has put up 22, -1, DNP, 24, and 25, crazy high numbers for averaging 13 mpg, but erratic as hell. Pritchard has been even weirder, giving us 41 followed by -2, 9, 4, 29, and 19. It's been two weeks and I simply have no way of knowing who won this stupid trade.

A few Free Agents

1. Precious is back from injury
2. So too is Naji Marshall. Keep an eye on the Pelicans as they start getting guys healthy again
3. Bilal Coulibaly had his breakout game yesterday with 52 fantasy points!
4. Cory Kispert is continuously available
5. Kevin Knox is back in Detroit and this time it's gonna work! In his defense, he got 37 fantasy points in his first game
6. He's not playing all that well, hence the benching, but Ziaire Williams is now available

Now for some Bonus Stars

The Look at the Big Brain on Brad Bonus Star goes to Isaac for picking up Marcus Sasser, who ended up being his leading scorer for the week

The Did Someone Call 9 1 Ho-ly Shit Bonus Star splits in two and goes to Will and Isaac for their entire goddam teams getting hurt at once. Mason Plumlee, Cam Thomas, and Tsunami Papi for Isaac; Amen Thompson, Tre Jones, Brandon Miller, and Jae Crowder for Will. Didn't intend for this whole email to be about those two, but that's how it worked out

The My Pussy Tastes Like Cherry Cola Bonus Star for wait, what did they just say? goes to the Lakers for starting Cam Reddish over Austin Reaves

Free Agent Roundup

 Just checking in with the best (in my humble opinion) free agents going into this weekend

1. Luke Kennard - Grizzlies are still putrid and Nard Dog has been putting up serious minutes (never under 21 this year so far) and good production, giving us fantasy points of 31 and 28 in his last two
2. Jordan Hawkins - With CJ McCollum out for somewhere around three weeks with his second collapsed lung, Hawkins has started the last two games. He's the definition of an expiring asset, as his timer has already started, but he put up 31 real life points the other night
3. Sam Hauser - With Pritchard garnering a lot of hate for starting the year like shit, Hauser has picked up the white boy mantle for the Celtics. His minutes have been holding steady around 20 per night, and he's put up 30 fantasy points twice in the last four games
4. Malachi Flynn - The Raptor's backup PG has been the picture of consistency this year. His last four games in fantasy points: 18, 18, 20, 21
5. Simone Fontecchio - Walker Kessler is out at least three weeks, and the Jazz are being Jazzy about it. Last night they started Keyonta George and just bumped everybody down a spot, pushing John Collins to the 5. I don't think that's particularly sustainable, but regardless of how they handle it, Fontecchio has entered the fray. Last night he got 19 fantasy points in 18 minutes
6. Nickeal Alexander-Walker - NAW didn't fly out of the gate like I thought he would, but he's put up a very regular run of games lately, giving us 21, 18, and 19 fantasy points
7. Bilal Coulibaly - One of my favorite rookies (a quick shoutout to Ausar Thompson, my number one favorite rookie) is averaging more minutes than Daniel Gafford, the Wizard's starting center. His fantasy upside is a little low, but he seems incapable of bottoming out. Removing the Spiders Georg of his second game, he hasn't gotten fewer than 13 fantasy points, and he's put up 17+ in five games
8. Julian Strawther - With Jamal Murray out an indeterminate amount of time, you could take a flyer on Strawther. Malone doesn't like to play his young guys, but he doesn't have much of a choice now. In his last two games he has 30 and 0 fantasy points, hahaha good luck
9. Kris Murray - And you thought Strawther was a flyer. If you're at the desperation point and you just wanna take a big swing, rookie Murray is primed for some playing time. With Timelord, Simons, and Scoot all out, minutes are freely available to good young shooters

Monday Newsletter 2/2 Injuries

 Alright, now on to the real stuff: injury report and free agents.

• Devin Vassell is supposed to be out for "some time." You never know with the Spurs, but Malaki Branham is set to see some real minutes. DeVonte' Graham hasn't played at all this season, but he could see some action as well
• Wendell Carter Jr is out three weeks. Goga Bidatze started in his place this weekend, so if you want a short-term loophole starter, you could take a two week rental on Goga
• Gabe Vincent is out for at least another week so consider Cam Reddish or Max Christie
• Nick Claxton and Cam Johnson are still hurt so look to DaRon Sharpe and Lonnie Walker IV
• Jaylin Williams is back for OKC and should get plenty of time behind Chet
• PJ Tucker might be worth a flyer on that craxy Clippers team
• Jordan Goodwin is available
• Keita Bates-Diop is starting over Josh Okogie
• CJ McCollum collapsed his lung so go get either Kira Lewis or Jordan Hawkins
• Timelord is out either 2-3 months or the entire year so go get Jabari Walker

Monday Newsletter 1/2

 Gents,

A little silliness today: a quick run down of the teams in our league as Star Wars characters.

New Bern Nematodes (0-2) General Grievous

Much like the infamous general, Jalen's team is strong, aggressive, hurt, and unlucky. Cole Anthony and Buddy Hield are shoot-first-ask-questions-never kind of guys, if you count Maxi Kleber as a five this team has four centers, Caleb Martin and Kleber can't stay healthy, and while the Bismack Biyombo draft pick finally paid off, he got his 35 points on the bench. Tough luck so far will hopefully turn around better for Jalen than it did for Grievous.

Mike Honcho's Magic Men (0-2) Jango Fett

Like Jango, Daniel's team is flashy, well equipped, and unfortunately prone to injury. Frankie Smokes is already hurt, Caris LeVert and Timelord are absolute killers who have depleting numbers on their wrists like that Justin Timberlake movie In Time, and while Al Horford doesn't get hurt much, Boston should rest him plenty. Hachimura even picked up an injury. All that to say, when things are going well, this is a formidable team who can stave off Obi-Wan Kenobi on a slick rooftop on Kamino. Let's just hope Mace Windu isn't lurking.

Sky High Smiths (1-1) Wicket

Like the most lovable character in all of Star Wars, Cody's team is little and feisty with not one, not two, not three, but four point guards. And not just any point guards, the spunkiest guards that ever did live: TJ McConnell (Grand Theft Alvarado 1.0), Jevon Carter (this league's reason for existence), and Cason Wallace (a big defensive guard the Thunder are finding is actually really good). If any team was gonna distract you with cuteness and then tabletop you into a pit of shit-covered stakes, it's this one.

Nevada Nidokings (1-1) Chewbacca

Much like the tall version of Ewoks, Peanut's team is long, defensive, easy to cheer for, and the ceiling is a little low. Off Night, Josh Richardson, Gary Harris, Royce O'Neale, Bball Paul, freaking Dean Wade, the list goes on and on. It's a roster full of fan favorites. Spunky, hard-working, trustworthy copilots who need the stars around them (IQ and Sexton) to hit in order to reach their full potential, which seems pretty likely.

Password is Taco (1-1) Baby Anakin

With three (THREE) rookies, Will's team has a lot in common with Baby Anakin: limitless potential, an uncanny ability to forecast the future, and a slowly growing rage. Throw in Okongwu, Kum Buckets, Trey Murphy III, and Dyson Daniels, and this whole team is young, dumb, and full of Kum (I'm so sorry). The dangers of Baby Anakin's maturity will also affect Will's team: Lively has precociously worked his way into the starting lineup, Amen Thompson flew too close to the sun and tweaked his ankle again, and the crushing weight of past decisions might turn Brandon Miller into Ep 2 Anakin.

Luka Deez Beanz (1-1) Darth Maul

Steven's team is like Darth Maul because I don't understand it even remotely but I like it. Sporting a roster of the most roller coaster players in the league (Cedi Osman, Christian Wood, Isaiah Hartenstein, Josh Green, and Shaedon Sharpe) this is quite simply a roster that should never work. Yet here we sit at 1-1, sailing smoothly along. This team is just as likely to be cut in half as it is to make a miraculous comeback in one of the many animated shows I haven't watched.

Brace Family YMCA (1-1) Sebulba

I'm comparing my team to galaxy-renowned shit-bag Sebulba because it has Grayson Allen on it. And much like Sebulba, Allen is hurting everyone, including me. With Bradley Beal still being out, we are yet to know if Allen is a part of the starting unit as a three, or if he's eligible as a backup. So I'm stuck, being bullied by one of the uglier creations of George Lucas, which is saying an awful lot.

Twerk Nowitzki (1-1) Commander Cody

Michael's team is Commander Cody because it is fiercely loyal. Michael has three Golden State Warriors on his team, a feat that is remarkable considering he claims to not be a Warriors fan. That just makes his team all the more perfect clone: they don't have to understand or agree with the Clone War, they just have to put their heads down and do their job. Also, with Bald Jesus, Duncan Robinson, Dario Saric, and Drew Eubanks, this team is almost as white as clone armor.

Old Man Team (2-0) Yoda

This one's hardly my most imaginative. OMT and Yoda share almost every attribute: cranky, somewhere in between wise and batty, and surprisingly good.

Tsunami Papi (2-0) Han Solo

Between Jonathan Isaac, Cam Thomas, Marcus Sasser, and the mother of all risks Russell Westbrook, Isaac's team might actually take more risks than Han, which is really an achievement. He's a gambling man who wins way more than he should, and so is Isaac's team. This Russ gamble is either going to win him the league (again) or peter out and not hurt him all that much. It's infuriating. Scruffy-looking nurf herder.

Free Agent Roundup: Batman Edition

 Before a massive Friday slate, here are the must-adds of the league, as represented by a Batman

1. Davion Mitchell - Robert Pattinson Batman

The downside here is that De'Aaron Fox is a quick healer and could be back in the starting lineup as soon as tomorrow. The upside is he might miss more games, and even if he's back, he shouldn't be playing 40 minutes a night for at least a few more games. This leaves room for old reliable: Off Night, also known as Robert Pattinson Batman. R Pats is young, not well-rounded, and still learning the game. That being said, he's got a bitchin car, some truly impressive contact lens technology, and a win-at-all-cost mentality.

2. Luke Kennard - Batfleck

Ja's still suspended, Derrick Rose is hurt, and the Grizzlies are 0-5. That paves the way for Nard Dog to get big minutes. The issue: Kennard is easily the least consistent best shooter in the league. He's made a habit of putting up elite shooting percentages but somehow continuing to get traded. He's got some cool stuff, like Batfleck's insane brutality (see the Bat Brand) and his cool car, but his weird voice modulator and his mass-over-toned muscle thing leaves a bit to be desired. But when you need him, he'll come through. Hopefully

3. Malaki Branham - Lego Batman

Devin Vassell is going to be out "for some time" according to Pop. This likely means Tre Jones slots back into the starting lineup, but even if Pop doubles down on not starting a PG, Branham's set to see more of the floor. He's put in a run of decent but not great performances this season, but he's a volume shooter; more time on the floor is exactly what he needs to unlock his potential, and he's about to get it. Like Branham, Will Arnett's role as Lego Batman is commonly overlooked in the extended Batman universe. But he's a star. Great voice, wonderful lack of self-awareness, brilliant comedic relief. If you stack him up next to the others, he's not gonna make the podium, but he's sneaky high on the list.

4. Aaron Holiday - Val Kilmer Batman

With rookie Amen Thompson out with his second ankle sprain since being drafted, the next man up on Udoka's squad is veteran Aaron Holiday. Holiday spent last season backing up Trae Young, and he put in a solid, consistent shift. On this team of younglings who don't understand NBA defense yet, Udoka shouldn't mind giving a heavier load to Holiday. Holiday is Val Kilmer Batman because that's a good movie and you can't convince me otherwise. He gets shit on, he only had one movie, the suit is rigid and weird, but guess what? He did the job. So will Holiday.

5. Toumani Camara - Keanu Reeves Batman

I had never heard Camara's name before he was thrown into the Ayton trade. Now that he's on Portland, he's getting well over 20 mpg, and while his production is a little inconsistent, he's put up 20+ fantasy points twice already. He's set to play Memphis next, and Memphis might just be the pile-on team this year. Camara is Keanu Reeves Batman because I had no idea this existed. And I'm a Keanu Reeves fan. Is it gonna make me watch the League of Superpets? No. Is it cool information to have? Sure.