Gents,
As we reach the first benchmark of the season, it's time to categorize some teams' benches as Lilo and Stitch Characters.
Indiana Pacers - Lilo
If you don't know ball, this bench is easy to overlook. Plenty of youth, a former top-10 flameout, a few positionless guys, not a ton of 2K hype. But when you see them in action it all makes sense. They're precocious (complimentary), feisty, intelligent, and they have great taste in music (probably). They're the number one scoring bench in the whole league, and we have just about every one of them in our league. If you're buying stock in any character, it's Lilo; and if you have an Indiana guy, you're probably doing alright.
Boston Celtics - Scrump
Not pretty enough to play with the other girls, laden with guys the home crowd can convince themselves are good (Kornet) and some imaginary greatness (Brissett, Banton, Stevens). I can go on, and in fact I will: old and you have to play with them gently (Horford), generally lifeless but occasionally fun (Pritchard), exactly as it appears (Hauser).
Chicago Bulls - Nani
No matter what, they can't get their shit together. The house is a mess, dinner's late and burned, someone nailed the door shut, and the CPS officer is right behind them. It's abysmal right now, but with at least one big trade on the horizon, it's got potential.
Dallas Mavericks - Pleakley
They're like that meme of the three dragons where two are scary and the last one's derpy, except the other way around. THJ is cooking and the rest of them have been useless. Much like Pleakley, they have a specific set of skills that makes them very useful until they face adversity of any sort. Also much like Pleakley, a lot of them are playing in a foreign land.
New York Knicks - David
Just a stand-up guy who's easy to root for. We've got four players from this team and they're all rock solid.
Philly 76ers - Jumba
It's gonna take Nick Nurse embracing his inner mad scientist to make this work. We have six guys from this team in our league, and things have been...rocky. Pat Bev is in and out of decent minutes, RoCo and Batum have fully undefined roles, BBall Paul still isn't seeing enough of the floor, KJ Martin hasn't been let out at all, and Kelly Oubre got hit by a fucking car.
Denver Nuggets - Bubbles
One man, standing alone, doing everything he can. That's Bubbles, and that's Christian Braun, the only player in our league on the Nugs. Bubbles allegedly belonged to an organization, but despite clearly being in a situation where he needed backup, none were available. The Nugs are still doing fine, but they're bench is gonna continue to struggle unless they get some extraterrestrial help.
Phoenix Suns - Gantu
They were supposed to be big and scary, but they're just terribly disappointing, they fail us at every turn. I thought this was going to be one of the deepest wells in the league, and we only have two of their guys. Once Beal comes back we'll get a third, but Keita Bates Diop, Jordan Goodwin, Josh Okogie, and Bol Bol are all underperforming to say the least.
Golden State Warriors - Mertle and her bitches
How many of them are there? They're mean, a bit undersized, and somewhere in between indispensable and trade bait. There's a clear ringleader (CP3) and a rotating cast of bullies behind him. They're popular as all hell and benefit wildly from media presence (we have six of them in our league).
LA Clippers - Stitch
Wild, volatile, capable of incredible things and mass destruction. They already look wildly different than they did a couple of weeks ago, and they feel like they're gonna change again. Also Russ as Stitch is just too perfect.
Happy Thanksgiving, ya'll
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