Post-Thanksgiving Newsletter

Well it was certainly an eventful weekend, let’s get into it.

First and foremost, I’d like to give a shout out to Darius “Peanut” Pettiford for salting the earth and cutting all but two of his players. An absolute baller move, which I respect even if I don’t understand.

While many of these eight players were cast aside with good reason, several (Harrell, THT, D Rose) hold real value and I think we might see some action when the Waivers clear tomorrow morning. Keep your eyes peeled.

With all these middling players on the waiver wire, let’s take another gander at the Free Agents in America’s favorite gameshow: Guess That Player! (Answers at the end of the email)

·      Our first contestant is 6’7 and went to Duke. For some of you that will be enough of a hint, but for the normal people reading this, here's more: he’s played for two teams in the Eastern Conference, and he’s pretty much just a bucket. Freshly returned from a short injury, he’s back and ready to let it fly

·      Our second contestant is 33 years old, and he plays for a team that just fielded seven total players against the Wizards two weeks ago

·      Our third contestant has been hurt since December 29th 2020, but he’s set to return this week. It’s bold to assume he can even still play basketball, but if you trust in the Bubble and modern medicine, you should go get this man

·      Our fourth, final, and biggest swing contestant was thrown into a trade last deadline day for Joe Ingles. While his team started hot, their new GM has managed to start pulling on the right strings and they’re losing plenty of games now. This player’s finally seeing the court, and he’s put up 34 and 17 fantasy points in his last two games

Now, it’s time for some Bonus Stars

The Wildcard, Bitches! Bonus Star goes to Peanut, for all the reasons listed above

The 774 Bonus Star goes to Will and Me for scoring the exact same number of points last week

And The Big Dick Swinger Bonus Star for Having The Best Player According to 2k goes to Steven for Christian Wood’s 84 overall 

Answers...

 

Answers: 1-Cam Reddish, 2-Dewayne Dedmon, 3-TJ Warren, 4-Nickeal Alexander-Walker

Happy Thanks

Tomorrow’s the national day of drinking and stressing about family plans, so if I didn’t fire one off today I wouldn’t get to tell you my funny jokes until next week.

So here we go,

A quick chemistry check. Does winning cure everything? Has anyone been punched? Let’s find out. All the teams, ranked worst to first by chemistry (with wins as the tiebreaker)

Kenny – Atlanta Stempien

Wins – 0

Vets – 4

Original Draft Picks – 3

Divas – 1 = -1 (Grant Williams counts)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 0

Score – 6

Cody – Sky High Smiths

Wins – 3

Vets – 2

Original Draft Picks – 2 (Lowest Loyalty Score in the League)

Divas – 0

Real-Life Teammate Pairs - 1

Score – 8

Michael – Twerk Nowitzki

Wins – 3

Vets – 3

Original Draft Picks – 3

Divas – 0 (Looking very closely at all the shooters on this team, but somehow none are divas)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 1

Score – 10

Isaac – Rob Riggle

Wins – 5

Vets – 0 (Playing with an NCAA team over here)

Original Draft Picks – 6

Divas – 1 = -1 (You know who)

Real-Life Teammate pairs – 0

Chemistry Score – 10

Me – Brace Family YMCA

Wins – 4

Vets – 1 (This hurts my soul. Need to work on my locker room)

Original Draft Picks – 4

Divas – 0

Real-Life Teammate pairs – 2

Chemistry Score – 11

Peanut – Portland P***stars

Wins – 1

Vets – 6

Original Draft Picks – 6

Divas – 1 = -1 (Montrezl poked the bear; this is his reward)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 0

Score – 12

Daniel – Mike Honcho’s Magic Men

Wins – 2

Vets – 3

Original Draft Picks – 7 (The most loyal of us all)

Divas – 1 = -1 (Boogie isn’t even playing but he counts)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 1

Score – 12

Will – Password is Taco

Wins – 4

Vets – 3

Original Draft Picks – 5

Divas – 1 = -1 (The eye test tells me this team would implode in real life)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 1

Chemistry Score – 12

Old Man Team – Melo’s Revenge 2.0

Wins – 0

Vets – 10 (hell yeah)

Original Draft Picks – 3

Divas – 0 (just a bunch of surly uncles)

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 2

Score - 15

Steven – Uranus Stinky Petes

Wins – 3

Vets – 6

Original Draft Picks – 6

Divas – 1 =-1

Real-Life Teammate Pairs – 2

Team Name – -1

Score – 15

Bonus Chemistry Stars

Team Whose Bench Gets Hit With A Tech Every Game For Jumping Onto The Court After A Huge Dunk Bonus Star goes to Steven

Team With the Worst Music in the Locker Room Bonus Star goes to Cody

Team Most Likely to Hop Down to Miami and Take a Squad Pick on a Boat on Their Day Off Right Before the Playoffs Like the OBJ Giants (remember that?) Bonus Star goes to Isaac, for that youngass team

And just for shits and gigs, each team’s best, or at least most fun, lineup, in my humble opinion

 

Rob Riggle

• Jordan Poole
• Shaedon Sharpe
• K Mart Jr
• Ben Simmons
• Bol Freaking Bol

-       Think of the wackiness. So long inside, such shooters outside. It would never work but I love it

Brace Family YMCA

• Tyus Jones
• Bennedict Mathurin
• Norm Powell
• Brandon Clarke
• Isaiah Hartenstein

-       Now that’s a damn lineup. No bias or anything, haha

Password is Taco

• Russ
• Kelly Oubre
• Royce O’Neale
• Santi Aldama
• Isaiah Jackson

-       Beefy lineup, but you can’t tell me Russ can play with Hayes or Anthony

Uranus Stinky Petes

• Goran Dragic
• Max Strus
• Batum
• Larry Nance Jr
• Christian Wood

-       Defensively porous but would you prefer Wood at the 4 and Charles Bassey at the 5? Maybe

Sky High Smiths

• Jose Alvarado
• Alex Caruso
• Trey Murphy III
• Poku
• Onyeka Okongwu

-       Sorry Yuta, Poku’s been eating this year. The defense on this team is an iron curtain

Twerk Nowitzki

• Malcolm Brogdan
• Collin Sexton
• Pat Connaughton
• Jalen McDaniels
• Nick Richards

-       The Hornets connection worries me a little in the paint, but this team would light it up

Mike Honcho’s Magic Men

• Dennis Smith Jr
• Malik Monk
• Deni Avdija
• Kyle Anderson
• Bobby Portis

-       A very easy to cheer for group

Portland P***stars

• Derrick Rose
• Seth Curry
• Bojan Bogdanovic
• Chuma Okeke
• Montrezl Harrell

-       Living and dying by Curry and Bogdanovic’s threes

Atlanta Stempien

• Tre Mann
• Bogdan Bogdanovic
• Bruce Brown
• Grant Williams
• Alperen Sengun

-       I like that front court. They make no sense in the best way

Melo’s Revenge 2.0

• TJ McConnell
• Alec Burks
• Jeff Green
• Kevin Love
• Thad Young

-       Strictly PFs

Happy Thanks, ya’ll

Newsletter

Short turnaround from the last one, but a lot’s gone on, so let’s get it.

Firstly, Joel Embiid is out for at least two games. Combine this with Maxey being out a couple weeks and Harden nowhere near a return and all of a sudden Danuel House Jr is prime real estate and Montrezl Harrell might actually get to take out some of his energy on the court instead of fucking with Giannis.

Secondly, the Lakers injury cavalry hasn’t cracked the starting lineup yet. Maybe it’s because AD’s been on absolute fire, or maybe Schroder and Bryant just aren’t that good (both things can be true). Either way, Bryant’s very much up for grabs.

Thirdly, Alec Burks is 31, which fits the criteria for the Old Man Team. Let’s Go! 0-5 for now, but just wait for that veteran leadership to kick in halfway through the season and we’re going on a tear.

Fourthly, Caris LeVert is available! And in an incredibly believable twist, he’s also hurt!

Fifthly, why not keep it going, Cade Cunningham’s out for at least two more weeks, and they’re worried it might be longer. While Killian Hayes is on Will’s team and finally looking like a basketball player, plenty of bad to mediocre Pistons are available who will get some real deal minutes coming up: Hamidou Diallo and Cory Joseph to name two.

Sixthly, shouts out Peanut! Come and join the winner’s circle, my man.

Bonus Stars Time

The Did Someone Call 9 1 Ho-ly Shit Bonus Star goes to Isaac for scoring 910 points last week. Fuck me, that’s a lot of points

The I Ain’t No Fortunate Son Bonus Star goes to Steven for outscoring everyone in the league except for Isaac, who he was matched up against.

And finally, the Son of a Bitch Bonus Star goes to Will for swooping Paul Reed WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS, and making the Philly section less dramatic. Bastard

Fantasy Newsletter

A lot going on this time. We’ve got the death of an era, some players to watch, some light gloating, a Power Ranking, and of course, Bonus Stars

Let’s get it,

The Death of an Era

For starters, let’s pour one out for the rough and tumble, shoot first ask questions later Nets Nobodies. With Harris and Curry healthy again, Simmons looking good (at least for one game), and the Flat Earther coming back Sunday, it’s all over for Sumner, Thomas, and David Duke Jr. It was a good run, ya’ll. We were flashy, we were easy to root for, we won some games, we got absolutely mollywopped by KD in an interview. It was the best of times. But alas, say goodbye to cheering for the Nets.

With this goodbye I must mention Yuta Watanabe (and, by extension, Cody) for providing the defense, rebounds, and hustle that the Nets will still desperately need. I’d feel personally slighted if Yuta’s forced back to the dark recesses of the bench with my guy Sumner.

And, sigh, while we’re talking about the Nets, I guess I have to give a lighthearted shoutout to Royce “Probably a Starter” O’Neale for dropping the first triple double of our fantasy season right on my head last night. Piss off, Will.

Some Players to Watch

Alec Burks – Spotty, but a veteran shooter on a team of young bucks dealing with injuries to Cade and Beef Stew. Burks will go cold for a few games at a time, but just ask Knicks fans how badly they miss him

Lonnie Walker IV – Now don’t quote me on this, but with Schroder and Bryant coming back for the Lakers, somebody’s gotta be the odd man out. Walker’s played really well for them, but I like how he’d energize their second unit, and I think they might too

(Parenthetically: Don’t sleep on Pat Bev to the bench. It makes very little sense, but then again, neither do the Lakers)

Jock Landale – Haven’t watched much of the Suns this year, but this guy’s been steadily taking Biyombo’s minutes since Halloween, and he’s putting up consistent points. If you’re in the market for a center who won’t hurt you, Jock’s your guy

James Bouknight – I know I keep preaching Bouk and he keeps putting up minuses and hardly playing, but with LaMelo and Smith Jr out, the Horny Boys just don’t have any other options at backup guard

Anthony Lamb – In the midst of a punch-drunk season, the Steve Kerr has once again flipped the bird to the young guys (sorry Wiseman) and is dishing out 21 minutes a night to randos like Anthony Lamb, who’s been averaging 20 fantasy ppg

Some Light Gloating

It’s pretty safe to say I won the Kawhi Trade.

Power Ranking

That’s right, this newsletter doesn’t piss enough people off, so let’s rank the teams!

1.     Rob Riggle – Jordan Poole’s not gonna be dog shit the whole year, and Bol Bol’s a monster. Losing Precious hurts, but not enough

2.     Password is Taco – The Russ gamble has been huge, and after cutting some dead weight, an undefeated team got better

3.     Twerk Nowitzki – The injury bug has hit him hard, but once fully healthy this team’s undeniably the most talented

4.     Steven’s Team – The Strus is loose! The high-end talent is there, the depth could be better

5.     Brace Family YMCA – Is fifth place modesty, or have my stars just underperformed?

6.     Sky High Smiths – My team to watch going forward (kiss of death, I know). A Dougie Buckets upgrade away from a Marianna Trench deep bench

7.     Mike Honcho’s Magic Men – If this dumb motherfucker would ever look at the app he could get BP off his bench and rocket into the top 3. Portis leads the league (the real one, not this fantasy league, the NBA) in double doubles this season

8.     Atlanta Stempien – The most talented of the 0-4 teams. Once Bogey eventually comes back, this will be a team to actually think about

9.     Portland P***stars – Trez has been the worst-case scenario, but with Curry finally back we should see some upswing

10.  Melo’s Revenge 2.0 – Imagine if I’d gone with all rookies instead of all old dudes. That team would fuck. Mathurin, Sharpe, Kessler, Eason, Murray. Why the hell didn’t I do that?

Bonus Star

The Will Dropped Kawhi and I Officially Won the Trade Bonus Star goes to me, for winning the trade

The True Compromise Bonus Star goes to me and Steven for making a trade involving a still hurt Coby White who he later dropped and a washed-up, utterly unimpactful Patty Mills who got me all of 17 points total this week

And finally, the Shoppin’ Toppin Bonus Star goes to whoever wants to trade for Obi Toppin. I’m officially listening to offers. Got too many Knicks on my team

Free Agent Roundup

Another week, another roundup, by tier

Tier 1: The Sexy Picks

Terance Mann - I've labelled him radioactive in several past emails, but he finally scored double digit points in not one game, but two! He's not blowing the doors off on the court, but he's been efficient as hell and that gave him fantasy games of 37 and 39 this week. This Clippers bench has done nothing but speedbag my nutsack, but if you believe Mann's turned it around, now's the time to snag him

Pat Connaughton - Just try to find injury info about this guy that's not four weeks old. But, the initial prognosis was that he'd be out 3 weeks. It's been 3 weeks. So if anybody wants to take a big sexy swing on ol Pat coming back soon, swing away

Tier 2: The Logical Picks

Justise Winslow - Despite the spelling of his name, he's the 23rd best SF in fantasy and he's getting spot starts with Dame and others picking up short-term injuries. This week he averaged 9 pts, 4.5 rebounds, and 4.5 assists. I can name a lot of players on my team who didn't produce like that

Gabe Vincent - I'll just keep singing this dude's praises until somebody gets him. This past week his already high minutes leapt to an average of 33 a night; he's scored double digit real points 4 games in a row; he's a rock solid guard in a league of wishy washy

Tier 3: The Lady Macbeth Unsex Me Here Tier

Dean Wade - The Dean Wadessaince didn't last all that long. His minutes have been on a steady decline and he's only worth keeping an eye on if Lavert gets hurt

Kum Buckets - I don't know what the hell's going on in Warrior Land, but one thing's for sure: Kuminga's not playing unless their whole team is resting

TJ Warren - Bubble TJ still has no timetable for a return. Don't know if anyone was thinking about him, but if you were, don't

Time for some Bonus Stars

The Injury Bug Bonus Star goes to Michael, for having FOUR guys on his team officially listed as out. For those of you counting along at home, that's the entire bench as well as the IR spot

The Put It All On Green Bonus Star for Trying Your Luck goes to Will, for picking up Ben Simmons. Another ballsy move, bolstered by the Russ success. If this one pays off too we're kidnapping Will and forcing him to buy lottery tickets

The All The Luck In That Household Belongs to Will Bonus Star goes to Isaac, for Jordan Poole's unexplainably terrible week. His last four games he's put up fantasy points of 0, 5, 31, and 0 while playing 30 minutes a game. Tough break

And finally, The I Won The Trade Bonus Star goes to me, for getting literally anything in return for Kawhi, who just might not play again until January

Free Agent Roundup

It's the Free Agent Roundup

After Kyrie said "I can't be anti-Semitic if I know who I am" not once but twice, we've had ourselves quite the flurry of free agent activity. Here it is, in brief:

• Peanut swapped Dedmon for Muscala and ditched Saric in an attempt to find a functional big
• Cody exchanged Victor Oladeepball for Luke Kennard in his ongoing quest to create an all-white lineup
• I swapped Alvarado for Malik Beasley in a move that has already not worked out
• Isaac added Gabe Vincent, then dropped Vincent for Cam Thomas, then foolhardily dropped Thomas for Danuel House Jr.
• Cody exchanged Kum Buckets for Poku and came dangerously close to achieving his snowy dreams
• Will Dropped Coby White for Shake "Little Bill" Milton after Harden's injury news
• Old Man Team dropped Campazzo for Delly in a move so useless it wasn't worth the time I spent typing it
• I picked up my guy Edward Sumner, who's gonna start making shots soon, I swear it
• Cody went against his morals and exchanged Duncan Robinson for Alvarado in a move antithetical to his dream
• Old Man Team dropped Blake Griffin and picked up Coby White, whom he promptly traded to Steven for Patty Mills
• After the split, Cody dropped Daniel Gafford out of shame, and picked up Yuta Watanabe (Let's goooo)

Unless ya'll do anything else today, that wraps it up. And so, combining the news of Harden's injury and Kyrie's suspension with the pond turnover of new free agents, here is my list of best available, in order

Gabe Vincent - Boring, I know, but a more than functional backup pg to an old, old man in Kyle Lowry. Gabe's averaging 17 fppg, and he's fresh off his best game of the season. The Heat are kinda weird, but if there's one thing you can count on it's that their stars will sit some games. Gabe shouldn't be a free agent for too long

Cam Thomas - Too high? Not high enough. After not playing a second all year, he got in for one minute against the Bulls and then exploded last night against the 'Zards. Single-game +/-'s are hardly worth looking into, but my guy was +36 in 32 minutes. What crisis? Cam doesn't know what ya'll are talking about #freeCam

Austin Reaves - Cody? He'd fit your team like a glove

David Roddy - I picked him as my random guy off Memphis' bench to have a great year and then went out and didn't draft or acquire him in any way. Roddy averaged 26 minutes a game this week, and in his last four games he's produced 38, 12, 25, and 16 fantasy points. He's taking serious minutes from Brandon Clarke, which burns 

James Bouknight - 34 fantasy points against Memphis last night has officially put Bouk on the radar. He's been bad this year, hasn't even sniffed the starting lineup with both of our starting guards out. But he plays Brooklyn tonight, and they don't have a guard who can play defense as well as I did in kindergarten, so he stands a chance of having a good game

David Duke Jr. - In case you wanna get in on this Nets fallout you can grab the last remaining rotation guard. Also you'll guarantee yourself a bonus star for best name

Bonus Stars!

The Bonus Star for Snagging the Best Player Who Wasn't On My Radar goes to Isaac, for Kmart Jr

The Fuck Kyrie Bonus Star goes to Daniel for drafting Deni Avdija

And the I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Bonus Star goes to Cody