Week 1 Rundown

 Gents,

The short week is over and now we step gracefully into the season.

Winners

• Jalen Johnson, and by extension, me: JJ wasn't drafted in our league and he scored the most points of anyone this past week (haven't done the math, but it doesn't count points that happen on your bench, so Cam Thomas probably has something to say about this). He's actually impressed so much that he started the game yesterday. Never fear, I'll be monitoring this as closely as if he were on any of your teams, if not closer
• Alex "Bald Jesus" Caruso: Here I was criticizing Cody for taking the White Wonder number one overall last year, and here he comes storming in scoring the second most points of the week (missing the number one spot by a single point). At the top of the list of impressive stats the Carusbro put up this week, I have to highlight his steals. By game he got 2, 2, and 4
• Steven, depending on how you look at it: With Anfernee Simons tearing his thumb, the Blazers have elected to start Sharpe. So for two weeks, Steven's gonna get some serious minutes, which should equal some serious points
• Michael, depending on how you look at it: With Anfernee Simons tearing his thumb, the Blazers have elected to keep Brogdon on the bench. Feels weird, but I guess they're not all that interested in winning games this year anyway. So, Michael doesn't get the loophole starting boost, but he doesn't have to worry about his top player's eligibility

Losers

• Also Michael: While we're on the topic, we might as well keep talking about the dualistic week Michael had. He scored the second most points of the week, but was unfortunately matched up with the team who scored the most
• Jalen: New Bern Nematodes have a rough introduction to the league this week, putting up the fewest points. Silver lining, the draft day flyer he took on Bismack Biyombo is about to pay off as the Grizzlies are signing him
• Isaac: Despite the win, he racked up an incredible 114 points on the bench throughout the week. That's nearly half the points Jalen's team scored (sorry to pile on)

Free Agent Round Up

1. John Konchar - Missed the season opener for personal reasons and has since put up 24 and 31 fantasy points. Kennard's been hurt, this Memphis season is going to Hell in a handbasket, Konchar's gonna keep playing a ton
2. Cason Wallace - I've missed on a couple rookies, but I'll take an early victory lap on Wallace. In three games he's put up 27, 14, and 24 fantasy points, averaging 20 mpg
3. Corey Kispert - He's gonna be streaky, as shown by his first two games of 14 and 30 fantasy points. Plus he's a shooter on a team where Jordan Poole and Kyle Kuzma each took 23 shots in one game. That's a real stat. But on the second unit he doesn't play with them much, so he should get his fair share
4. Peyton Watson - After a rough opening 5 points against the Lakers, Watson has turned it on, scoring 29 and 37 fantasy points, including a 3 block game. This man can scratch his kneecaps without bending over
5. JaeSean Tate - Tate isn't one of Houston's sexy young high draft picks, but he seems to have earned Udoka's trust. getting 15, 14, then 22 minutes this season. Whitmore's already buried on the bench, Landale's hurt, Tate's a good short-term play
6. Dwight Powell - Zach Lowe affectionately called him a cockroach, which is about as brutal a compliment as you can give. But it's accurate, hahaha, he's never gonna go away. Lively looks great, so Powell is slotted as the backup. Coming off an unnamed illness, his minutes should grow

Bullshit Mario Party Bonus Stars

• The Somebody's Gotta Catch Passes on This Team Bonus Star for worst top scorer on a winning team goes to Will, for Tre Jones leading his team to victory with a total of 80 points scored all week
• The Stone Hands Bonus Star for most drops goes to Steven, for dropping SEVEN players this week
• The There Can Be Only One Bonus Star for winning the biggest backup center battle in the league goes to Cody, for picking Marvin Bagley III instead of James Wiseman, who hasn't played a minute