Two Week Notice

With the All-Star Break behind us, we’ve got just two (2) more weeks until the playoffs. Two weeks to iron out your rotation. Two weeks to pray for injuries to heal. Two weeks to make 17 rash transfers in a hectic attempt to remold your entire strategy. But before we press on, let’s take a moment to admire a pretty good week.

Heartbreak for Peanut: taking a stout lead into the Break behind the exceptional play of Josh Okogie and Coby White (genuinely didn’t see either of those coming), things were looking up for the P***Stars. By the end of the double week, Peanut had the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th highest scorers in the matchup, but in a week settled by a measly 18 points, a shocking hero won the day for Steven’s Uranus Stinky Petes. One man come prepared for the week, and that was All-Star snub Delon Wright. Taking the Jalen Brunsen approach, Wright handled his snub with the fury of a thousand suns, rattling off a grand total of 159 points this week. Old Man Team is just happy to see an old man winning.

The trade deadline hit our fearless leader Password is Taco like a basket of roses. TV darling Walker Kessler undeniably starting. Russ changing locker rooms, reclaiming his role as a starter, and continuing the weirdest season this league has ever seen (I firmly believe this statement would hold up even if this wasn’t our only season). But it’s not all cuts and bruises for Will, hence the strange basket of roses simile. Derrick White has finally become a bench player again, Kelly Oubre Jr is back from injury, and new addition Caleb Martin is bound to continue to see big minutes behind Kevin Love (which is an entirely different email.

Pouncing upon the tumultuous week of Will’s, Cody and Sky High Smiths took care of business, largely due to a few old point guards. With the arrival of Westbrook, Mann returned to the bench and kept on cooking. With Lowry hurt, Gabe Vincent stepped in and stepped up. And with Curry out, Ty Jerome returned to haunt our league once again. Also shouts out Keita Bates-Diop. Spurs are professional tankers now, and dammit they’re doing great at it.

The final matchup that was even worth keeping an eye on came down to the absolute wire. With the slimmest margin of victory (that I can remember) in our league’s history, Brace Family YMCA took down Rob Riggle by THREE POINTS. Lunacy. This was allowed to happen largely because Curry’s long-standing injury kept Poole on Isaac’s bench, but let’s look at the other factors. Isaac had five, count em: five, players score 100+ this week. Again, without Poole. Beasley (who is starting goddammit), Plumdog, Maxey, Kmart Jr, and IQ. Meanwhile I had just two: Mathurin and recent revelation Isaiah Joe. So Isaac won the top of the box score, what happened at the bottom? I had six players score 50 or less (including Tyus Jones, wtf Jones?) while Isaac had only two. What does that tell us? I’m not sure, but I won, so there’s that.

One more thing: there was apparently a trade deadline in our league, so I got rid of it. That’s dumb. Mere seconds after the trade embargo was lifted, Old Man Team approached Steven with A Trade: Joe Harris for injured Larry Nance Jr. Steven countered by asking for Chris Boucher. Wanting to get my hands on Larry, even injured as he is, I conceded. Isaac has already spite-vetoed the trade, feel free to vote as you like.

Okay onto some Free Agents

1.     Josh Green – Can’t believe it, but the Mavs are starting Justin fucking Holiday over Green. They’re also going with Reggie Bullock over THJ, which hurts Old Man Team’s heart. This may only be temporary, but even so, Green’s electric. Someone get him before I do

2.     Damion Lee – Watching the Suns this weekend without KD, I was trying to figure out which of their veteran backups was gonna take on the Yuta Watanabe role. The glue guy, the hustler, the one who picks up tough defensive assignments for the stars then hits open threes. I came down to Terrance Ross or Damion Lee. Ross is strictly a bucket, and with Payne back and Shamet allegedly still on the team, I don’t think Ross will feature all that much. Lee, on the other hand, has already played this role for Golden State, and I’d trust that he’ll earn KD’s appreciation and hustle enough for Monty to play him good minutes

3.     Jordan Nwora – Don’t remember if I’ve brought him up yet or not, but the Bucks trash has become the Pacers treasure. They’re playing him quite a bit, and he fits what they’re trying to do perfectly: young, athletic wing who hustles. Sneaky great pickup for my actual favorite team

4.     Jonathon Isaac – The Kneeler himself. Plays just about every other game, is on a strict minutes limit, but is an absolute game-wrecker. Plays basketball like a defensive end

5.     Michael Carter-Williams – That’s right motherfuckers, he’s back! Remember when he won ROY in 2014? Well, so do the Magic, who just signed him to a two-year contract. Not a 10-day, not a rest-of-the-season, an actual NBA contract. Being a pretty guard-light team and likely thinking of developing Suggs, I don’t know how big of a run MCW will get with them. But if they take aim at Charlotte’s current number 4 pick and start sliding in the standings, MCW is made for that

6.     Willie Cauley-Stein – Speaking of players who are meant for losing teams. Cauley-Stein just signed a 10-day with the Rockets. Why would the worst team in the league bother signing a veteran big man, you ask? Because theirs is too good and they need some losing insurance. Unironically love me some Cauley-Stein

Bonus Stars

The Tie is a Lot Like Kissing Your Sister, Except in Our Case It’s Like Kissing Your Really Hot Stepsister Bonus Star for player who scored the most points this week goes to Michael and Will for Malcolm Brogdan and Donte DiVincenzo, respectively, with 160 each

The We’re Going Streaking Bonus Star for longest active win streak goes to Me, bitches, with six

The Collusion Bonus Star for the person at the bottom of the playoff bubble who wants to contact me and try to work out some way to ensure their team gets in goes to Peanut or Daniel, who sit one game apart and play each other on the final week of the season. Don’t be a stranger, now

Free Agents and Lineups to Watch

The week has resumed and we are back in full swing. Formalities out of the way, I'd like to start with some Free Agents

THT - He's been tossed around our league for a while, but with Sexton out he's taken starting minutes and he's on one. Pretty high potential to be a diminishing asset if Sexton doesn't come back anytime soon (it's a hamstring and they're not trying to win, so you do the math) but for at least two weeks he'll put up big, legal numbers

Devonte' Graham - My guy is right back where he belongs: getting huge minutes and being an absolute bucket for a terrible team. The Spurs got rid of a good deal of their depth, but Devin Vassell is allegedly on his way back, so even the start that Graham garnered last night shouldn't scare you off. Although, if the Jazz aren't trying to win games, the Spurs are actively not showing up to the arena. So go after Graham, but don't be mad at me in a few weeks if I tell you he's ineligible

Ayo Dosunmu - Eligibility is in question (see below) but I think he'll move to the bench behind Beverly. If you pick him up, expect a Go/No Go text from me

TyTy Washington Jr - Now's the time to take that swing on a rookie on a bad team. The Rockets are in free fall, Green and Porter Jr are out, and TyTy's been getting good minutes lately. Also feel free to grab whoever the hell Josh Christopher is

AJ Griffin - My old friend. With John Collins out with a concussion, and you know, with the whole firing the coach thing, somebody's gonna get more minutes. I'm betting on Griffin over Johnson. The main issue is Saddiq Bey, who will be taking the majority of those minutes I'd have to think. So Griffin is more of a fringe pickup

Moses Brown - Zubac is out, which means Brown should slot into the backup Center role tonight behind Plumdog. Likely a one-off, but if you need the boost, go for it

Fun Things to Look For

Tonight we have a couple of very fun lineups coming together. Let's take a closer look

Russ - Obviously we have to start with Russ to the Clippers. They'd been doing really well with Mann in the starting lineup, but you don't publicly cry out for your old buddy to join your team just to put him on the bench. As an aside: we had entered a stage in the NBA where crazy bad trades weren't happening as often as they were in the early aughts, but we are right back in the thick of it now. Within two weeks, Kyrie and Russ both found new teams. Don't get me wrong, I would so much rather bet on Russ than ever bring Kyrie anywhere near my building, but I'd also rather leave them both alone. Genuine question: does Ty Lue quit if this blows up? He's already mad about the load management he has to keep up with, he's got one of the more frustrating and impossible to read superstars in the game on his team, they just got rid of Reggie Jackson, all he ever wants to do is play five out but they went and got him blundering Mason Plumlee, they've laid a frustrated Absolute Turnstile on Defense Bones Hyland at his feet, and now they've doubled their media coverage with one of the most talked-about players in the league. Shit, man, I'd quit. Okay, where was I? The lineup, yes. Anyway, keep an eye on Russ starting and what that means for Mann and the quasi-guards who fill out the rest of this roster

KLove - The Cavs secretly divorced Kevin in the night like Joseph (second time I've made that reference; it will always be funny) which saved them a good deal of money, but allowed the perfect team in their conference to pick him up. The Heat make a living off of two things: absolutely nailing the draft, and rejuvenating old dudes' careers. There's some rumbling about whether they'll start Love over Martin, but I doubt it. Martin's been solid for them all year. And while I'm still not sure he's the right choice for them in a serious playoff game, he's played his way into Spo's heart. Love should provide this team with everything they need: a floor-spacing big man to backup Bam. Genuinely excited to see him flourish. He's 34, which is only 29 in Miami years

The Bucks - Speaking of old dudes. I'm worried to pick up Ingles or Crowder until I see how the rotation works out because there's a very real chance they eat into each other's minutes like an NFL team with two running backs. That being said, they didn't bring Crowder in just to dink around and get 5-10 minutes here and there. Their bench has slowly become very deep, and with Bobby Portis coming back it's time to see who earns the big minutes. I don't think they'd start Crowder, certainly not anytime soon, but we cannot underestimate how much Bud loves his old dudes. We've got Pat, Allen, Crowder, and Ingles all shuffling around at similar spots, so just keep your eye on everything Milwaukee are doing

Pat Bev - I talked about him earlier this week, but my god, the Bulls. 2.5 games back from the fucking 'Zards, sitting in 11th, losers of 6 in a row, they are the perfect team for Pat Bev. I expect him to start, because what they've been doing clearly hasn't been working. Which leaves Iso Ayo available. Tough year for the sophomore hoopers. Ayo's been up and down, Bones lost the trust of his organization. They should both come to Charlotte

Newsletter and Free Agents

As a commissionerly reminder: the league picks back up tomorrow in full force. It's the same matchweek as before the all star break. In preparation for that, a few things:

We had a highly successful, super cool All-Star Game on Sunday featuring all sorts of wacky twists and competitive basketball. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen legal issues arising from our use of Winnie the Pooh as the official mascot, Disney has confiscated the entire telecast. All that remains are mostly indecipherable fragments from our pirate AM radio broadcast, which I've dictated and recorded verbatim in the prior email.

Now that that's out of the way, here are some free agents to watch out for - 

Bones Hyland - It cut me deep to drop Bones, but after a falling out with the Nugs he got two weeks of DNPCDs. Now that he's with the Clippers, who just got Russ, I don't even know if he'll play. Wish he'd gone to a shitty team

RJ Hampton - Boy does Detroit have a type. The fun thing is, I think he's a great fit for them the rest of the year. I much prefer him to Corey Joseph, who's been playing entirely too much this year in the absence of Cade

Kris Dunn - After dumping Conley, not replacing him, and kicking their depth to the curb, the Jazz are in pole position to start shutting some guys down and dropping in the standings. 10-day signings like Dunn are great candidates to secure some losses

Pat Bev or Ayo - Brilliant move by the Bulls. "We're not blowing it up, but we will bring in this guy who irritates everyone and will drive a wedge between our stars." Love it. Don't see them dropping Ayo, but I don't know if they can handle Beverley's shit on the bench. One of these guys will become eligible

Meyers Leonard - The only man in the league who was happy about the Kyrie tweet. With Portis still out and Giannis possibly nursing a wrist injury, the Bucks went out and got Leonard after two years of forced retirement. Don't expect him to be great or anything, but he might get some very real minutes

And now, Bonus Stars!

The Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer Bonus Star for Random Sinkholes Popping Up All Over the Place goes to Will. Tough to feel sorry for the guy in first place, but losing Kessler and likely Russ in one fell swoop is gonna bring him back down to Earth a bit

The Good Luck Charm Bonus Star goes to Cody for Russ coming to the Clippers and likely allowing him to hold onto Terance Mann

The Wake Up Bonus Star goes to the trade deadline for shaking us out of our rut and forcing us to drop players and overall re-energize for the final stretch of the year

Happy hunting,

All-Star Game

Date: 2/20/2023

Time: 1:28 PM

Transcript: Fragments of All-Star Game Commentary gathered and enhanced after the colossal failure of broadcasting exclusively on AM frequency

Personal Note: As head of One Court to Rule Jamal Crawford’s Media Team, I pieced together what scraps of conversation and play by play I could find, but it was like trying to catch smoke. Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. After 72 sleepless hours, I have assembled this much. This I will do, but no more. I, Tommy Alter, hereby resign

“…on this wonderful afternoon in Salt Lake City…

…performance by Jewel. Best god damned anthem I ever did hear…

…be here right next to Hall of Famer and true American patriot Karl Malone…

…they say to me, ‘How much do you want?’ and I say, ‘Just get me next to Karl and I’ll do it for free!”…

…and that! And howabout this, too! That one’s for Demetress Bell, you sick fuck. Hope you like prison food. And penis…

…for any unfortunate words you or any young children may have just overheard…

…hot mic. Some of the more…enthusiastic fans got a little heated with the emergence of local menace, dirtbag father, and child rapist Karl Malone…

…you mean I can’t say child rapist? That’s what he is! Whaddya want me to call him: a good man? Karl Malone can suck eggs in Hell, how’s that? Better? Good…

…Evening everybody my name is Jeff Van Gundy and I’ll be taking the reigns from my older brother for the remainder of this broadcast. I’d just like to say: Howabout we just watch some basketball?...

…the tip, smoothest tip I ever did see. D’you ever think McDaniels would’ve had such a smooth tip?...

…easy penetration to the hole. That’s just too easy. We have laws now that were supposed to make penetration like that much more difficult…

…Back in my day, let me tell you, you didn’t just walk up to Charles Oakley and flick him in the scrotum…

…Brogdan with a strong finish at the rim. You’ve gotta get to the rim, that’s what I tell all these young kids who ask. Any who will listen, I say you gotta get to the rim, and hard if possible…

….backdoor penetration - what’s that? Fired? For what? I didn’t say one peep about that child rapist Karl Malone!...

…sort of world we’re living in where a man can’t say backdoor penetration. Crying shame…

…Evening everybody my name is Zeb Van Gundy, the secret Van Gundy, and I’ll be with you from here on out…

…with a score of 93 to 97 we enter the second quarter…

…fireworks…

... Westbrook rocks the baby... 

... Kessler gets in his face ... 

... bitch ... 

... hands...

... full-blown Gilbert Arenas in here...

…Russell Westbrook has been ejected! 

...ruined the game...you know who else ruined the game? Karl Malone! Fuck that guy... 

...performance by Red Panda...

...shockingly good singer...

...the plate thing, how does she do that?

...tried once, Jeff ended up in the hospital... 

... second half is under way... 

[long pause, likely due to our Mascot Game third quarter]

... who knew that bear had hops?

... Elam ending... 

... first to 69...nice... 

[long pause]

...Brogdan with the dagger!

...MVP chants from the neutral crowd...

... hoists the trophy...

... easily the greatest night of my life...

... signing off, Zeb Van Gundy."

Three-Point Contest

As a reminder, here are the contestants

·      Malik Beasley – 3.1 3PM per game is the highest in our league. Odds-on favorite

·      Bogdan Bogdanovic – Proven cool under pressure

·      Jordan Poole – Constantly trying to prove himself

·      Luke Kennard – Trying to shoot his way onto a roster

·      Joe Harris – Showing up for the old heads

·      Georges Niang – The Minivan never misses a corner three, I swear

The premise is the same as the official NBA three-point contest, but we’ve added a couple of wacky extra shooting locations. Here’s how it goes:

1.     One shot from the third row in the left corner worth 4 pts

2.     A normal rack of five in the normal corner spot, each worth 1 pt

3.     A normal rack of five on the wing

4.     A normal rack of five at the top of the key in the ring with Benny the Bull

5.     A halfcourt shot option worth 4 pts (optional)

6.     A normal rack of five on the other wing

7.     A shot from the scorer’s table worth 4 pts (optional)

8.     An optional assist to Jalen Duren in the corner so he can officially participate in all four All-Star Weekend events worth 3 pts if he makes it (optional)

9.     A normal rack of five from the corner

No money balls (the math is just too hard). All in under 45 seconds. Let’s see how they do.

Shooting first is obviously Jordan Poole. He swaggers to the corner, blows a kiss to some model in the front row on his way into the crowd, and proceeds to airball the third-row shot. Claiming it was done on purpose for a more dramatic comeback victory, he hurdles the folding chairs and starts knocking down some serious shots in the normal corner and wing racks. Checking the clock, he gets in a couple good pump fakes on Benny the Bull before opting for and swishing the halfcourt shot. The crowd is feeling it and so is Poole. Maybe a little too much. He misses 4 out of 5 on the wing rack, but regains the crowd with a death-defying turnaround fallaway 3-pointer at the scorer’s table. He plummets back to earth, however, after refusing the pass to Duren and missing all 5 of his normal corner shots. A little disappointed, he puts up a pretty good score of 24 out of 40.

Shooting second is 2018-19 winner Joe Harris. He walks into the crowd, slides uncomfortably into position in the third row, then keeps going. Producers try to stop him, but he sits calmly down and hands the ball to the man next to him. Who’s that? It’s Isaiah Joe! 2nd in the league in 3PM%, snub of the real-life competition! Harris has ceded his time to another Joe! To avoid confusion, this broadcast is choosing to call him by his first name. Isaiah steps confidently to the third-row shot and misses just short. Hurrying to the corner, he makes quick work of the first two racks before getting in the ring with Benny. Try as he might, Benny just can’t rattle him as Isaiah keeps his hot shooting alive. Stepping back to halfcourt, Isaiah misses another aggressively-weighted 4-pt opportunity before reheating and cashing all five from the wing. He checks the clock and takes a dribble before attempting the scorer’s table shot…and banks it in! Opting to pass Duren the ball, he gets three more points as Jalen coolly makes it. Needing only one shot to top Poole, he makes three to get a score of 28.

Luke Kennard’s up next because you’ll completely forget he’s out there if you’re not concentrating. Which is exactly what he wants. Nard Dog wades into the crowd and gets right to work. From the first shot you can tell he’s feeling it. He hits the crowd shot, then goes 5/5 in the corner. Slowing down just a hitch, he misses a couple on the wing, but Benny the Bull’s attempts to fluster him only strengthen his resolve as he knocks down all five at the top of the key. Opting against the halfcourt shot so as to not affect his rhythm, Nardster cashes the wing shots, gets three extra points for passing to an open Duren in the corner who knocks it down, then hits his last 5 in the corner to finish the first round with a 31 that sets the crowd on fire.

More or less playfully unhappy about Nard Dog’s success, Georges “The Minivan” Niang saunters up. Taking his place in the stands, he attempts to pump up the Utah crowd and receives a decent ovation in return. With a wry smile, Niang hits the side of the backboard with the crowd shot. Never low on confidence, he daps up a couple players on his way back to the court, making sure to push Shake Milton while he’s at it. “This is what I do!” He yells while making all 5 corner shots. He loses a bit of momentum on the wing and then wastes a good deal of time trying to pants Benny the Bull. The crowd loves it. Niang tries to find his form, but now that he’s messed with the bull, he’s gonna get the horns. Benny gives him a quick sack tap and raises both arms to the heavens as if he’s calling down thunder. Somewhere up in the rafters a giant bag of popcorn is opened, and popped kernels descend to the floor. Abandoning the ring, Niang puts up a one-handed prayer of a halfcourt shot that’s actually pretty close before skipping the wing rack and attempting the scorer’s table shot. No one’s really sure on the disqualification rules, but they’re willing to be lax on a guy who’s clearly not gonna win. Realizing his lack of speed has hurt him more than he’d thought, Niang waves off Duren and heaves up the final five shots too quickly, managing to only hit one of them for a final score of 9.

The penultimate shooter in the first round is Bogdan Bogdanovic. Feeling pretty snubbed by the All-Star Roster, he’s so locked in that he leaves Jordan Poole hanging. Poor Jordan Poole. Bogey steps into the crowd and hits the 4-pointer. Hitting four of five in the corner and on the wing, he approaches Benny the Bull with respectful gentleness and a bow. Benny accepts him into the ring and turns to the crowd to hype him up instead of distract him. Those Eastern Europeans and their bovine creatures. Slowing down a little on the wing, he opts for and makes the scorer’s table 4-pointer. Securing 3 extra points for passing to Duren, who hits the shot, he hits three of his last five to put forth an impressive 28.

Shooting last is crowd-favorite Malik Beasley, who still has home-court advantage up here in Utah. Smiling and enjoying himself maybe a little too much, he heads through the crowd to the starting point. Poole’s talking shit and Beasley’s jawing back as things get going, and pretty soon it’s obvious that Beasley isn’t fazed by a man who got punched in the face by his teammate a few months ago. It’s obvious because he says it, pretty loudly. Despite missing the opening crowd shot, Beasley drains all five in the first corner and keeps the heat on through the wing and center racks. Try as he might, Benny the Bull just can’t get into his head. When he banks in the halfcourt shot, the crowd goes ballistic. By the time he makes it to the corner he’s already qualified for the next round so he takes his foot off the gas and rolls into the final with a big boy score of 34.

Beasley and Kennard advance, but we have a tie for third place between Bogey and Isaiah Joe. The very complicated tiebreaker rules are overexplained to the players, crowd, and viewers at home through a lovely Prezi one of our interns put together. The tiebreaker is this: halfcourt shootout.

Isaiah and Bogey stand at halfcourt and exchange pleasantries. “May the best man win,” Isaiah says. “Good game,” says Bogey. “That’s not-” Isaiah starts to say, but the gun’s been fired and Bogey’s already taken his first shot. Isaiah and the rest of us watch as it arcs beautifully through the air and comes back down through the hoop without so much as rippling the net. Joe Harris boos, but you can’t hear him over the roar of the crowd.

This brings us to the second and final round which I’ll make short and to the point. The contestants: Malik Beasley, Luke Kennard, and Bogdan Bogdanovic.

For the final round we play more intense music, we brighten the lights a little bit, and we take away all the gimmicks. Just shooting. Just pressure. Nothing else. Benny the Bull walks dejectedly into the locker room. Here we go.

Bogey thinks back to his days in Sacramento and that’s all the motivation he needs to spur him onto a robotically similar 28.

Beasley carries a swagger into the final round that doesn’t match his production. Maybe it’s because Poole stopped talking shit, maybe it’s the Laker’s Curse, but Beasley puts up a good but not great 25.

All the pressure in the world rests on Kennard’s silly-looking ass, and he unfortunately proves why he’s not on a roster in our league by putting up a pretty decent 24.

Bogdan Bogdanovic, Snub Supreme of the All-Star Game, survivor of a war-torn country (Sacramento), and absolute delight on the commentary team of Hawks games earlier in the season, is our Three Point Champ! All Hail Bogey!

Skills Competition

As a reminder, here are the teams:

Indiana Pacers: TJ McConnell, Chris Duarte, Bennedict Mathurin

Plumdog and his Millionaires: Mason Plumlee, Bol Bol, Jalen Duren

The Face, The Brains, and The Brawn: Ricky Rubio, Alex Caruso, Jonathon Kuminga

Here’s how it all breaks down:

Round 1 – Halfcourt Shot

-        Everyone will attempt a halfcourt shot until their team makes one. We will watch for as long as we have to

Round 2 – 4x4 Relay with Mystery Guest

-        Cone drill, pass through some rolling tires, pick up a Boston Dynamics robot full court, shoot the t-shirt cannon

Round 3 – Layup Line of Revenge

-        Exhausted, our heroes must now run a regular layup line. Except there are some guests waiting in the wings who get to seek revenge on them

If you win the round you get 3 points, come in second you get 2, last you get 1. Most points at the end of the night wins. You don’t want to know what the tiebreaker is.

Round 1 – The Halfcourt Shot

Everyone lines up at halfcourt and looks at each other as if this was the first time they’d been told about the true nature of this competition. Let’s not give them any time to reconsider: there goes the gun, time to start!

Bol Bol grabs a ball like it’s an orange and cashes his first shot, sealing three huge points for Plumdog and his Millionares before anyone else can take a shot. The remaining contestants are stunned into silence, standing as they are in the presence of this god among men.

The first person to shake off the religious awe is TJ McConnell, that bastard, and he heaves a pretty bad shot. He turns to Mathurin and Duarte and barks “Do your job!” then immediately starts playing defense against Ricky Rubio. Seemingly in lock step, Alex Caruso starts face-guarding Duarte. It’s up to Kum Buckets and Mathurin to hit an open shot, and they both hit the rim.

Despite winning and having nothing left to play for, Christ-incarnate Bol Bol swats Kuminga’s next shot into the third row. Plumlee and Duren grow tired of waiting and begin to take shots just for fun. Rubio and Duarte have fully given up. Kuminga’s next shot hits the rim, backboard, then rim again and falls just short, even as Mathurin’s falls right through. The Indiana Pacers take 2 points. We luckily don’t have to stand around awkwardly for much longer as Kuminga sinks his next shot.

Round 1 Wrap Up: Plumdog and his Millionaires – 3, Indiana Pacers – 2, FBB – 1

Round 2 – 4x4 Relay with Mystery Guests

For this round, each team must run a quick cone drill for foot speed, successfully pass a ball through all three rolling tires, stop a Boston Dynamics robot from scoring, and hit the target in the nosebleed section with the T-shirt cannon. One player per task. As the teams deliberate, it becomes obvious even to those of us who aren’t mathematically gifted that each team will require a mystery guest. After each team decides which players are performing which tasks, they will be assigned a mystery guest at random. This guest will reveal themselves when it is time for their task to be completed.

Up first, the team in first: Plumdog and his Millionaires. They have assigned Plumlee to the passing, Duren to defending the Boston Dynamics robot, and Bol with shooting the T-shirt cannon, in hopes that their mystery guest will be fleet of foot for the cone drill. The players stand at their stations and wait anxiously for their mystery guest to appear and start the show.

Smoke fills the tunnel.

The lights go out.

The Brooklyn Nets logo flashes on center court.

The lights come up, and out walks Cam Thomas! He saunters up to the cone drill looking pretty disappointed. We’re not sure if that’s just how he always looks or if he really wanted to shoot the cannon. Either way, the gun fires and he easily handles the drill, proving Plumdog’s gamble to be a good one.

Once he’s done, unpaid interns start rolling three tires across the court at varying distances from the baseline as Plumlee tries to bounce pass a ball through them. Precious seconds tick by as he switches his form and start passing left-handed! That tricky son of a bitch! The moment he fires the third pass through, the Boston Dynamics robot rises out of its crouch and menacingly begins dribbling down the court. Jalen Duren goes in for a confident steal, only for the robot to smoothly dribble behind his back and make him look foolish. The robot keeps Duren on his back as they cross halfcourt, shielding him with one long metallic arm. Duren fights around him and they square up 30 feet from the basket. The robot hesitates, looks at the basket, then drops his shoulder and flies by Duren, accelerating at a genuinely inhuman rate towards the hoop. Duren, not to be outdone, soars into the air and pins the layup off the backboard.

Three down, one to go. We now turn our attention to the wonderful sight of Bol Bol hoisting a T-shirt cannon to his shoulder. He peers past the bright lights of the court all the way into the upper deck where one lucky section unfurls a big cloth target. Bol hits a banner with his first shot, misses the upper deck entirely with his next two, but with the fourth shot hits the section. A buzzer sounds and their time is displayed – 1:44.

On to team two: the Indiana Pacers. They place Duarte in the speed drill, Mystery Guest on the passing, McConnell on the robot, and Mathurin on the cannon.

The gun fires. We begin.

Duarte takes the cone drill a little too lightly, and while trying to still look calm and cool he tacks on a couple precious seconds. The moment he finishes the clock stops.

The lights go out.

Somewhere, a bell tolls.

The Milwaukee Bucks logo flashes at halfcourt.

The lights come up, and Jevon Carter trots out. He assesses the situation, takes up his place at the passing drill, and the clock resumes. With the tenacity which he attacks everything, he fires off chest passes at these tires like someone just told him he couldn’t. Faster even than Plumlee, Carter gives the Pacers the lead going into the third step.

The robot brushes him aside and hits the court at a dead sprint. McConnell, caught off guard, stands flat-footed as the robot flies right by him. But wait! McConnell reaches around it and pops the ball loose! The ball rolls towards the sidelines and people leap out of the seats as McConnell and a Boston Dynamics robot dive on the floor after it. They reach the ball at the same time and crash into the folding chairs. A referee we forgot we’d hired stands over the wreckage, clears some chairs and bags of popcorn out of the way, and declares a jump ball.  After much debate and plenty of exasperated looks from McConnell, it’s determined that by the letter of the law he did in fact stop the robot from scoring. A quick review takes seven seconds off the clock, and we’re on to the cannon.

Mathurin holds the cannon at full stretch and misses his first shot by all of about 30 yards. Checking the clock and hearing the screams of McConnell, he straightens up, hoists it to his shoulder, and hits the target. Time – 1:35.

Third team time – FBB take the floor. They place Kuminga on the speed drill, Rubio on the passing, Mystery Guest on defending the robot, and Caruso on the cannon. A murmur of confusion ripples over the crowd as they see one of the more well-known defenders in the league on the cannon, but Ricky Rubio hushes them by pointing to his temple and reminding everyone that he’s the brains of the operation. He must know something we don’t.

The gun.

Kuminga handles the cone drill a little quicker than Duarte did. Rubio hits all three tires with his first three tries; it’s incredible.

The clock stops.

The lights go out.

A spotlight points out a man playing the trumpet.

The New Orleans Pelicans logo lights up.

The jumbotron plays a Cameo of Mike Breen saying, “Bah Gawd, that’s Jose Alvarado’s music!”

The lights come on, and Grand Theft Alvarado is already on the court, sprinting at the robot. Alvarado slaps the floor and tells him to bring it. The robot rises, and calmly begins dribbling. Alvarado gets low, the robot pounds a few machine gun dribbles through its legs. The robot goes left, Alvarado’s right there with him. The robot crosses over and goes right, Alvarado’s with him stride for stride. A spin sees Alvarado catch a mean metal elbow to the jaw, but he doesn’t give an inch. Once more the robot tries to spin but Alvarado sticks with him. The robot stands up to its full height, then sits dejectedly, the ball bouncing away. The crowd cheers. The referee blows his whistle. Alvarado’s held him to an 8-second violation. Truly in character.

Now all that’s left is for Bald Jesus to hit the target, which he does with shocking ease on the first try. He offers no explanation for this and plays it off like it’s just good luck. Time – 1:19

The score, after two rounds: Plumdog – 4, Pacers – 4, FBB - 4

Round 3 – Revenge

This round is simple enough. Each team will run a layup line for one minute. Whichever team scores the most points wins. The twist: all three teams will go simultaneously.

The teams line up outside of the three-point line next to their rolling baskets of balls.

The gun.

Plumdog defies all logic and gets to the rim first, only to be domed by a football. His shot obviously goes wide, and he spins around with a quasi-concussed look of confusion. McConnell gets there next and his shot gets taken out of the air by another football. At this point the cameras have located where the footballs are coming from, and I’ll be damned, Jalen Hurts is standing in the Revenge Box with a cart of balls. Rubio, keeping one eye on Hurts, slowly approaches the rim. Even as Hurts rears back to spitefully try to stop anyone from winning anything, Rubio is table-topped by James Harden!

Rubio crashes to the floor as Harden rips off his shirt to reveal a “2023 All-Star Snub” custom-made underneath. Kuminga tries to reason with Harden, but Harden can’t be stopped. He draws a knife and begins popping all the basketballs in sight. Mathurin nearly gets to him, but Hurts keeps him at bay with a barrage of Philly curses, and also footballs.

Interns, unpaid and otherwise, rush the floor as commentators attempt to convince our viewers that this was all according to plan, but right before our eyes interns and participants alike start dropping to their knees in pain. The camera pans to LaMelo Ball and Trae Young sitting in the Revenge Box as well, shooting cardboard hornets with rubber bands.

Carnage seems sure to win the day, but the sound of the buzzer triggers a Pavlovian pause in the action by all. Everyone, without meaning to, stops fighting and looks at the scoreboard. It reads that somehow, some way, even in the midst of this chaos, Ricky Rubio managed to slither through the crowd and score a single layup. The only point scored in this round. Confetti rains down, All I Do Is Win starts playing, and team The Face, The Brains, and The Brawn are quickly escorted into the safety of the locker room as the strange, misguided, revenge fest continues in their wake.

Dunk Contest

Kings, Queens, and In Betweens, I present the 2023 1C2RJC (One Court to Rule Jamal Crawford [next year we’ve gotta parse that name down a little]) Dunk Contest

The contestants, as you well know by now, are…

·         Jalen Duren – He’s 19 years old (fucking come on!), averaging a ludicrous 26 fppg, and crushing the hearts of Hornets fans everywhere. He’ll be skipping out on the real-life All-Star festivities due to injury management, but thanks to the deep pockets of our league office he’s still very much participating in our dunk contest. Big men tend to fare poorly in dunk contests, but Duren’s youth and ability to bang his shins on the rim should provide plenty of fireworks.

·         Shaedon Sharpe – Also 19 (and also genuinely scary), Sharpe pussed out of the real dunk contest. But with the help of some of our league’s more shadowy persuasive talents, Sharpe is not only participating in our contest, he’s the odds-on favorite. 6’6, can actually fly, and with eyes undimmed by the nihilistic acceptance that strikes you in your late 20s, Sharpe stands a real chance of revitalizing the genre of dunking.

·         Kenyon Martin Jr – Our real-life representative and old man correspondent (22 yo) Kmart Jr’s looking to honor his father (who is very much still alive). It isn’t naivete that fuels Martin Jr like the above contestants, it’s the legacy of his name. He’s been trying to do that all year down in Houston, but your average fan probably hasn’t watched a single Rockets game this season. A famous name with an underdog’s odds and a shot at the spotlight. Watch out for Kmart Jr.

·         Austin Reaves – Our racially-motivated jab at Mac McClung. The only chance Reaves stands of winning this thing is if he brings LeBron James out of the crowd and throws James an alley-oop. Is that likely? Is it legal? Tune in to find out!

Arguably more important than the participants, here are your five judges:

·         Jamal Crawford – That’s right, we got our namesake to pull double duty and judge our thing, too

·         Jeff Green – Nobody is in-game dunking like Jeff Green, definitely not at his age. We’re paying him handsomely to forego his vacation an extra night and shit on these young peoples’ efforts

·         Mike Muscala – Need him here

·         Russell Westbrook – The first step in his PR turnaround

·         A Holographic Projection of Manute Bol – I’m not taking questions at this time

And now! On to the main event!

Rd 1

Dunking first is Jalen Duren. He trots to the rim from the right side and casually throws down a windmill from outside of the paint. The crowd’s pretty tame about it, but Duren winks into the camera as he sits back down. Upon further review, replay reveals that his eyes were closed the whole time. The judges deliberate and give this a respectable 40 (if you must know, JC: 9, JG: 8, MM: 9, RW: 7, HPMB: 7)

Up next comes Shaedon Sharpe. Wasting no time, he pulls Kenyon Martin Sr. out of the crowd. The camera zooms in on Kenyon Martin Jr and he’s got that “Please God not like this” look on his face. Sharpe positions Kmart Sr. in front of the rim and instructs him to hold the ball on his head. Sharpe backpedals to the three-point line, wipes the bottoms of his shoes, winks at Kmart Jr., and proceeds to leap over Kmart Sr., put the ball between his legs, and slam it home. The crowd loves it, and after only a moment’s deliberation the judges give it a 44 (9s across the board except for Holo Bol, who gets some stick from the crowd for giving it an 8)

Visibly shaken by the events that just took place, Kmart Jr. steps up. He looks to his father for support, then gets things going. With an unfortunate lack of showmanship that undercuts the difficulty of the dunk, Kmart Jr. throws the ball so that it bounces off the floor and then the backboard, then he catches it midair and does the Vince Carter honey pot up-to-the-elbow dunk. It’s a killer dunk, but after Sharpe took us to the next level, it’s a bit of a let down. The judges think and give it a 41 (JC: 9, JG: 8, MM: 9, RW: 8, HPMB: 7)

Staring down the barrel of inevitable defeat, Austin Reaves misreads the crowd in the strangest way, puts on a Superman cape, brings out Dwight Howard, and recreates one of his dumb Superman bits from dunk contests of yore. No one really understands what’s happening, including the judges, and it shows in their answer – 34 (JC: 7, JG: 7, MM: 8, RW: 6, HPMB: 6)

*End of Rd 1, we sit as such: 1st – Sharpe: 44, 2nd – Kmart Jr: 41, 3rd – Duren: 40, 4th – Reaves 36

Rd 2

Having seen the competition, Duren decides to kick it up a notch. Pulling teammate Cade Cunningham’s three-year-old daughter, Riley, out of the crowd, he squats down and gives her a piggy-back ride. With her clinging to his back like a lemur, Duren jogs to the rim from the front and hits a flawless 360 windmill. The crowd is hype as hell, and the judges make a big show of refusing to deliberate. 10s across the board, although Russ and Holo Bol don’t look thrilled about it.

Sharpe once again dips into the well of the crowd and produces Dame Lillard. Positioning him behind the three-point line, Sharpe whispers some instructions into his ear. One wonders if they’ve practiced this before or if they’re actually winging it. Dame launches a high-arching shot that bounces in the middle of the paint. Sharpe, leaps, catches it on its way up, spins around, and throws a Blake Griffin-style dunk from too far away that clatters off the back of the rim so hard it lands in the stands. The crowd is unperturbed by the miss, and cheer wildly for the second attempt. This time Dame sends the ball a little deeper into the paint and Sharpe easily palms it, spins, and with one hand behind his head slams it through the hoop. Morally unable to give out a 10 for a second chance, some of the judges get booed for dropping Sharpe’s score to 47 (JC: 10, JG: 9, MM: 10, RW: 9, HPMB: 9)

Doing some quick math in his head, Kmart Jr. sees he needs to get a perfect 50 to advance to the finals. Gone is the skittishness of round one. We now zoom in on the LeBron with the Heat meme eyes. Kmart Jr. is ready to do some damage. He pulls fellow competitor and great sport Jalen Duren under the basket, and after some whispered conversation and a quick dap, Kmart Jr. retreats to the foul line. Unleashing a primal scream, he dribbles at Duren, who’s down in a defensive stance. Switching the ball to his left hand, Kmart Jr. launches into a dunk even as Duren rises to contest it. Duren gets a finger on the ball, but it’s not enough to stop the ferocious dunk from Martin, who hangs on the rim and actually growls. The crowd loves it, but it has the judges quite confused. They feel the weight of precedent settle in on their shoulders. Replay reveals what we already knew: Duren appeared to genuinely try to block the shot. And while it was no easy feat, it was hardly a dunk contest kind of dunk. After a commercial break, the judges show their scores: 42 (JC: 10, JG: 7, MM: 10, RW: 7, HPMB: 8). Martin hangs his head, but he’s quickly jolted back into smiling by the mob of players on the sidelines.

With nothing to gain and nothing to lose, Austin Reaves calls on LeBron’s aid. LeBron steps onto the court to thunderous applause and then goes full Melo with the fake shot before sitting back down and waiving off his helpless teammate’s cry. Shrugging his shoulders, Austin Reaves backs up to halfcourt before charging forward and leaping from the foul line in a picture-perfect replica of Jordan’s dunk contest winning dunk back in the day, including the tongue. The crowd falls into stunned silence before erupting. LeBron mimes taking off his own crown and placing it on Reaves’ head. 50s across the board, and even Holo Bol is smiling.

*Even with all that, the scores dictate that the two advancing dunkers are Sharpe and Duren. Here we go

Final Rd

In the real dunk contest they get two dunks in the final round, but by that point I’m typically bored, so for this one they just get one last dunk. Previous scores are erased; may the best dunk win. Sharpe and Duren stand at halfcourt and play rock, paper, scissors (best two out of three, obviously) to decide who gets to go second. Sharpe wins, and in a shocking call decides to go first. Maybe he wants to throw off Duren’s rhythm. Maybe he’s just that confident. Either way, here’s what he does:

Sharpe dips for the third time into the well of celebrity appearances, and this time pulls Holographic Projection Manute Bol off of the judges’ table. Bah Gawd! Through a marvel of modern technology that no one understands, he positions 7’6 Bol just in front of the rim, facing the basket. Sharpe takes a shockingly short run-up, then bunnies right over Bol and dunks with both hands. The crowd loses it. Bol Bol, who’s obviously in attendance, does the Supah Hot Fiya hands on his face falling over gif. It’s remarkable all around. Upon further inspection through the replay, in a screen grab that will be used for years, we see Sharpe’s junk glide right through the back of Holo Bol’s neck and most of his head. Unavoidable as it may be, this seems to unnerve the judges. A hush falls over the crowd as they cast their votes. JC: 10, JG: 10, MM: 10, RW: 10, HPMB: 9 for a total score of 49.

Sharpe can’t believe it, and boos rain down on Holo Bol. “I felt it,” Holo Bol says, tapping the back of his head. “I felt the junk.” The crowd slowly calms down as we approach the final dunk of the night.

Duren surveys the crowd, seeming to run through a couple of different options before grinning and heading over to the crowd. High-fiving Riley Cunningham, Duren pulls Kenyon Martin Sr. back out onto the court. He positions him exactly where Sharpe had him in front of the basket for Sharpe’s first dunk. Duren steps back to admire his work, shakes his head, and heads over to the crowd again. He pulls Kenyon Martin Jr. off the bench! Martin is shaking his head, but Duren says clearly enough for the camera to see: “We had a deal.” Duren positions Martin just behind his father and backs up. The dunk timer, which hasn’t mattered yet tonight and doesn’t actually matter in our format, hits 5 seconds. Duren takes one dribble and sprints toward the basket. He leaps, clearing the Martins, and yams it home while staring down Sharpe on the sidelines.

The crowd goes crazy, and players mob Duren, including Sharpe. It’s clear they’ve decided who the winner should be, but we wait in anticipation for a judge to fuck it up. They deliberate heavily, so heavily in fact that we take another commercial break. But after the break, they display their scores proudly: 10s across the board. A perfect 50. Jalen Duren is our 2023 Dunk Contest Champion! For a prize, he gets a life-size trophy of a player who looks an awful lot like Austin Reaves.

All-Star Roster

All-Star Festivities

 

Through a combination of ya’lls votes and my own research, I have named 24 All-Stars. As a reward for being in first, Isaac and Will got to pick the starters.

 

East (Will)

1.     Russell Westbrook (led the league with 5 votes)

2.     Benedict Mathurin (2 votes)

3.     Malcolm Brogdan (2 votes)

4.     Jalen McDaniels (1 vote)

5.     Walker Kessler

6.     Caris LeVert

7.     Tyus Jones

8.     Norman Powell

9.     Victor Oladipo

10.  TJ McConnell

11.  Cole Anthony

12.  Brandon Clarke

Starters: Russ, Jones, Mathurin, Brogdan, McDaniels

 

West (Isaac)

1.     Bobby Portis (led the league with 5 votes)

2.     Jordan Poole (4 votes)

3.     Onyeka Okongwu (2 votes)

4.     Bruce Brown (1 vote)

5.     Malik Beasley

6.     Immanuel Quickley

7.     Max Strus

8.     Alex Caruso

9.     Malik Monk

10.  Larry Nance Jr

11.  Jalen Duren

12.  Dennis Smith Jr

Starters: Poole, Quickley, Duren, BP, Okongwu

Who wins? You decide! Or at least, you can feel free to decide. I’ll obviously maintain full creative control, but feel free to chip in with your valued opinions.

 

Now, onto the…

 

Three-Point Contest

1.     Malik Beasley – 3.1 3PM per game is the highest in our league. Odds-on favorite

2.     Bogdan Bogdanovic – Proven cool under pressure

3.     Jordan Poole – Constantly trying to prove himself

4.     Luke Kennard – Trying to shoot his way onto a roster

5.     Joe Harris – Showing up for the old heads

6.     Georges Niang – The Minivan never misses a corner three, I swear

 

Once again, please vote for your favorite. Who knows, it might even sway my answer!

 

Now…

 

Dunk Contest

1.     Shaedon Sharpe – Can’t back out of this one, punk

2.     Kenyon Martin Jr – Our real-life representative

3.     Jalen Duren – Gonna bring down the rim Shaq-style

4.     Austin Reaves – Just the funniest option I could think of

 

Alright, you know the drill: who wins?

 

And now, finally, what you’ve all been waiting for…

 

Skills Competition

Contest will be Intergenerational. Three teams, each with one player 20 and under, one in their 20s, and one 30 and over

1.     Team 1: The Indiana Pacers

a.     TJ McConnell – The wise old man

b.     Chris Duarte – The only 20-something both on the Pacers and on a roster

c.     Bennedict Mathurin – Young buck

2.     Team 2: Plumdog and his Millionaires

a.     Mason Plumlee – The passer

b.     Bol Bol – The freak

c.     Jalen Duren – Also the freak

3.     Team 3: The Face, the Brains, and the Brawn

a.     Ricky Rubio – The face

b.     Alex Caruso – The brains

c.     Jonathon Kuminga – The brawn

 

Cast your votes now!

 

As a summary, feel free to vote for

·      Who got snubbed from the All-Star Game

·      Which team wins the All-Star Game

·      Who wins the Three-Point Contest

·      Who wins the Dunk Contest

·      Who wins the Skills Competition