Three-Point Contest

As a reminder, here are the contestants

·      Malik Beasley – 3.1 3PM per game is the highest in our league. Odds-on favorite

·      Bogdan Bogdanovic – Proven cool under pressure

·      Jordan Poole – Constantly trying to prove himself

·      Luke Kennard – Trying to shoot his way onto a roster

·      Joe Harris – Showing up for the old heads

·      Georges Niang – The Minivan never misses a corner three, I swear

The premise is the same as the official NBA three-point contest, but we’ve added a couple of wacky extra shooting locations. Here’s how it goes:

1.     One shot from the third row in the left corner worth 4 pts

2.     A normal rack of five in the normal corner spot, each worth 1 pt

3.     A normal rack of five on the wing

4.     A normal rack of five at the top of the key in the ring with Benny the Bull

5.     A halfcourt shot option worth 4 pts (optional)

6.     A normal rack of five on the other wing

7.     A shot from the scorer’s table worth 4 pts (optional)

8.     An optional assist to Jalen Duren in the corner so he can officially participate in all four All-Star Weekend events worth 3 pts if he makes it (optional)

9.     A normal rack of five from the corner

No money balls (the math is just too hard). All in under 45 seconds. Let’s see how they do.

Shooting first is obviously Jordan Poole. He swaggers to the corner, blows a kiss to some model in the front row on his way into the crowd, and proceeds to airball the third-row shot. Claiming it was done on purpose for a more dramatic comeback victory, he hurdles the folding chairs and starts knocking down some serious shots in the normal corner and wing racks. Checking the clock, he gets in a couple good pump fakes on Benny the Bull before opting for and swishing the halfcourt shot. The crowd is feeling it and so is Poole. Maybe a little too much. He misses 4 out of 5 on the wing rack, but regains the crowd with a death-defying turnaround fallaway 3-pointer at the scorer’s table. He plummets back to earth, however, after refusing the pass to Duren and missing all 5 of his normal corner shots. A little disappointed, he puts up a pretty good score of 24 out of 40.

Shooting second is 2018-19 winner Joe Harris. He walks into the crowd, slides uncomfortably into position in the third row, then keeps going. Producers try to stop him, but he sits calmly down and hands the ball to the man next to him. Who’s that? It’s Isaiah Joe! 2nd in the league in 3PM%, snub of the real-life competition! Harris has ceded his time to another Joe! To avoid confusion, this broadcast is choosing to call him by his first name. Isaiah steps confidently to the third-row shot and misses just short. Hurrying to the corner, he makes quick work of the first two racks before getting in the ring with Benny. Try as he might, Benny just can’t rattle him as Isaiah keeps his hot shooting alive. Stepping back to halfcourt, Isaiah misses another aggressively-weighted 4-pt opportunity before reheating and cashing all five from the wing. He checks the clock and takes a dribble before attempting the scorer’s table shot…and banks it in! Opting to pass Duren the ball, he gets three more points as Jalen coolly makes it. Needing only one shot to top Poole, he makes three to get a score of 28.

Luke Kennard’s up next because you’ll completely forget he’s out there if you’re not concentrating. Which is exactly what he wants. Nard Dog wades into the crowd and gets right to work. From the first shot you can tell he’s feeling it. He hits the crowd shot, then goes 5/5 in the corner. Slowing down just a hitch, he misses a couple on the wing, but Benny the Bull’s attempts to fluster him only strengthen his resolve as he knocks down all five at the top of the key. Opting against the halfcourt shot so as to not affect his rhythm, Nardster cashes the wing shots, gets three extra points for passing to an open Duren in the corner who knocks it down, then hits his last 5 in the corner to finish the first round with a 31 that sets the crowd on fire.

More or less playfully unhappy about Nard Dog’s success, Georges “The Minivan” Niang saunters up. Taking his place in the stands, he attempts to pump up the Utah crowd and receives a decent ovation in return. With a wry smile, Niang hits the side of the backboard with the crowd shot. Never low on confidence, he daps up a couple players on his way back to the court, making sure to push Shake Milton while he’s at it. “This is what I do!” He yells while making all 5 corner shots. He loses a bit of momentum on the wing and then wastes a good deal of time trying to pants Benny the Bull. The crowd loves it. Niang tries to find his form, but now that he’s messed with the bull, he’s gonna get the horns. Benny gives him a quick sack tap and raises both arms to the heavens as if he’s calling down thunder. Somewhere up in the rafters a giant bag of popcorn is opened, and popped kernels descend to the floor. Abandoning the ring, Niang puts up a one-handed prayer of a halfcourt shot that’s actually pretty close before skipping the wing rack and attempting the scorer’s table shot. No one’s really sure on the disqualification rules, but they’re willing to be lax on a guy who’s clearly not gonna win. Realizing his lack of speed has hurt him more than he’d thought, Niang waves off Duren and heaves up the final five shots too quickly, managing to only hit one of them for a final score of 9.

The penultimate shooter in the first round is Bogdan Bogdanovic. Feeling pretty snubbed by the All-Star Roster, he’s so locked in that he leaves Jordan Poole hanging. Poor Jordan Poole. Bogey steps into the crowd and hits the 4-pointer. Hitting four of five in the corner and on the wing, he approaches Benny the Bull with respectful gentleness and a bow. Benny accepts him into the ring and turns to the crowd to hype him up instead of distract him. Those Eastern Europeans and their bovine creatures. Slowing down a little on the wing, he opts for and makes the scorer’s table 4-pointer. Securing 3 extra points for passing to Duren, who hits the shot, he hits three of his last five to put forth an impressive 28.

Shooting last is crowd-favorite Malik Beasley, who still has home-court advantage up here in Utah. Smiling and enjoying himself maybe a little too much, he heads through the crowd to the starting point. Poole’s talking shit and Beasley’s jawing back as things get going, and pretty soon it’s obvious that Beasley isn’t fazed by a man who got punched in the face by his teammate a few months ago. It’s obvious because he says it, pretty loudly. Despite missing the opening crowd shot, Beasley drains all five in the first corner and keeps the heat on through the wing and center racks. Try as he might, Benny the Bull just can’t get into his head. When he banks in the halfcourt shot, the crowd goes ballistic. By the time he makes it to the corner he’s already qualified for the next round so he takes his foot off the gas and rolls into the final with a big boy score of 34.

Beasley and Kennard advance, but we have a tie for third place between Bogey and Isaiah Joe. The very complicated tiebreaker rules are overexplained to the players, crowd, and viewers at home through a lovely Prezi one of our interns put together. The tiebreaker is this: halfcourt shootout.

Isaiah and Bogey stand at halfcourt and exchange pleasantries. “May the best man win,” Isaiah says. “Good game,” says Bogey. “That’s not-” Isaiah starts to say, but the gun’s been fired and Bogey’s already taken his first shot. Isaiah and the rest of us watch as it arcs beautifully through the air and comes back down through the hoop without so much as rippling the net. Joe Harris boos, but you can’t hear him over the roar of the crowd.

This brings us to the second and final round which I’ll make short and to the point. The contestants: Malik Beasley, Luke Kennard, and Bogdan Bogdanovic.

For the final round we play more intense music, we brighten the lights a little bit, and we take away all the gimmicks. Just shooting. Just pressure. Nothing else. Benny the Bull walks dejectedly into the locker room. Here we go.

Bogey thinks back to his days in Sacramento and that’s all the motivation he needs to spur him onto a robotically similar 28.

Beasley carries a swagger into the final round that doesn’t match his production. Maybe it’s because Poole stopped talking shit, maybe it’s the Laker’s Curse, but Beasley puts up a good but not great 25.

All the pressure in the world rests on Kennard’s silly-looking ass, and he unfortunately proves why he’s not on a roster in our league by putting up a pretty decent 24.

Bogdan Bogdanovic, Snub Supreme of the All-Star Game, survivor of a war-torn country (Sacramento), and absolute delight on the commentary team of Hawks games earlier in the season, is our Three Point Champ! All Hail Bogey!