Date: 2/20/2023
Time: 1:28 PM
Transcript: Fragments of All-Star Game Commentary gathered and enhanced after the colossal failure of broadcasting exclusively on AM frequency
Personal Note: As head of One Court to Rule Jamal Crawford’s Media Team, I pieced together what scraps of conversation and play by play I could find, but it was like trying to catch smoke. Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. After 72 sleepless hours, I have assembled this much. This I will do, but no more. I, Tommy Alter, hereby resign
“…on this wonderful afternoon in Salt Lake City…
…performance by Jewel. Best god damned anthem I ever did hear…
…be here right next to Hall of Famer and true American patriot Karl Malone…
…they say to me, ‘How much do you want?’ and I say, ‘Just get me next to Karl and I’ll do it for free!”…
…and that! And howabout this, too! That one’s for Demetress Bell, you sick fuck. Hope you like prison food. And penis…
…for any unfortunate words you or any young children may have just overheard…
…hot mic. Some of the more…enthusiastic fans got a little heated with the emergence of local menace, dirtbag father, and child rapist Karl Malone…
…you mean I can’t say child rapist? That’s what he is! Whaddya want me to call him: a good man? Karl Malone can suck eggs in Hell, how’s that? Better? Good…
…Evening everybody my name is Jeff Van Gundy and I’ll be taking the reigns from my older brother for the remainder of this broadcast. I’d just like to say: Howabout we just watch some basketball?...
…the tip, smoothest tip I ever did see. D’you ever think McDaniels would’ve had such a smooth tip?...
…easy penetration to the hole. That’s just too easy. We have laws now that were supposed to make penetration like that much more difficult…
…Back in my day, let me tell you, you didn’t just walk up to Charles Oakley and flick him in the scrotum…
…Brogdan with a strong finish at the rim. You’ve gotta get to the rim, that’s what I tell all these young kids who ask. Any who will listen, I say you gotta get to the rim, and hard if possible…
….backdoor penetration - what’s that? Fired? For what? I didn’t say one peep about that child rapist Karl Malone!...
…sort of world we’re living in where a man can’t say backdoor penetration. Crying shame…
…Evening everybody my name is Zeb Van Gundy, the secret Van Gundy, and I’ll be with you from here on out…
…with a score of 93 to 97 we enter the second quarter…
…fireworks…
... Westbrook rocks the baby...
... Kessler gets in his face ...
... bitch ...
... hands...
... full-blown Gilbert Arenas in here...
…Russell Westbrook has been ejected!
...ruined the game...you know who else ruined the game? Karl Malone! Fuck that guy...
...performance by Red Panda...
...shockingly good singer...
...the plate thing, how does she do that?
...tried once, Jeff ended up in the hospital...
... second half is under way...
[long pause, likely due to our Mascot Game third quarter]
... who knew that bear had hops?
... Elam ending...
... first to 69...nice...
[long pause]
...Brogdan with the dagger!
...MVP chants from the neutral crowd...
... hoists the trophy...
... easily the greatest night of my life...
... signing off, Zeb Van Gundy."
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