It’s Boxing Day and, arguably more importantly, officially halfway through the regular season of our league. Don’t ask me how it happened, I have no answers. They grow up so fast.
So, to punctuate the midway point in the year, I’ve got some nerdy shit to show ya’ll, courtesy of the Standings tab on the website. Only some of this shows up on the app, sadly, but the old-fashioned way on the laptop reveals all.
The Team Who Has…
· Scored the Most Points – Rob Riggle, with 6,585. That’s 207 more than second place, which is Password is Taco. I round out the top three and am the final team to break the 6k Club
· Scored the Fewest Points – Mike Honcho’s Magic Men, with 3,602. Portland Pornstars and Old Man Team round out the bottom three and finish off the 3k Club. This league has a real disparity problem
· Had the Most Points Scored Against Them – That’s right, also Rob Riggle, with 5,556. So Isaac’s faced the toughest opponents AND scored the most points. That’s obnoxious.
· Had the Fewest Points Scored Against Them – Portland Porn Stars, with 4,750
· The Best Point Differential (points scored minus points conceded) – Password is Taco with +1,537. Fucking bonkers. Michael is a ways off in second with +1,051 and Isaac’s right on his ass with +1,028. We’re all smart people who understand this, but I just have to reiterate it because Christ on a bike that’s an insane differential: +1,537!
· The Worst Point Differential – Old Man Team with, get this -1,573. A greater differential than Will if we’re talking distance from 0. Suck on that. Joining me in the Negative 1K Club are Daniel, with -1,388, and Kenny, with -1,325
· Here are all of the differentials, just for fun:
- Isaac 1,028
- Will 1,537
- Me 574
- Michael 1,051
- Steven 436
- Cody 626
- Kenny -1,325
- Old Man Team -1,573
- Peanut -966
- Daniel -1,388
· The Most Moves – Password is Taco, with 47! That’s 11 more than second place: Rob Riggle with 36. Essentially what this data proves is you can’t have a conscious in the pimp game. Roster turnover = success, at least in the first half of the year
· The Fewest Moves – Mike Honcho’s Magic Men, with 1. Since Daniel hardly counts, let’s go with the second fewest moves: Uranus Stinky Petes, with 8. A 6-4 record with only 8 moves. You know who else has a 6-4 record but has made 26 moves? Me
· The Most Field Goals Made – Rob Riggle (I’m getting tired of this) with 1,201. Second place is me, with 1,149. Rounding out the 1K Club are Steven, with 1,016, and Michael, with 1,008. So buckets aren’t everything, ‘cause Will’s scored the 5th most baskets, yet sits firmly at 9-1
· The Fewest Field Goals Made – Mike Honcho’s Magic Men, with 619. Right above him sit Old Man Team, with 622, and Atlanta Stempien, with 668
· The Most Field Goals Attempted – Also Rob Riggle, with 2,549. Also right on his ass is me, with 2,522. Everyone’s pretty efficient, because the only thing that changes when you toggle from FGM to FGA is that Michael jumps Steven
· The Fewest Free Throws Attempted – Atlanta Stempien, with 265. Mike Honcho’s Magic Men are second with 266, hahaha.
· The Most Free Throws Attempted – Obviously Rob Riggle, with 623
· The Most Free Throws Made – Me, bitch, with 488
· The Most Three Pointers Made – Me, with 402. Only member of the 400 Club, woot woot!
· The Fewest Three Pointers Made – Mike Honcho’s Magic Men, with 146. Most everyone’s in the 200s, with some in the 300s
· The Most Rebounds – FuCkInG Rob Riggle again, with 1,394. The top six are in the thousands, with the bottom four stuck in the hundreds
· The Fewest Rebounds – Portland Pornstars, with 714. Peanut, Daniel, and Kenny all need a culture change as they’re sitting in the 700s
· The Most Assists – Password is Taco, and it ain’t close: 754. Second place is Steven with 612. That explains the no buckets thing Will’s pulling off. Sweet lord
· The Fewest Assists – Portland Pornstars, with 366. One of only two teams stuck in the 300s (the other obviously being Daniel). I’m seeing some head coach vacancies opening up
· The Most Steals – Me, with 225. Joining me in the 200 Club are Cody and Will
· The Fewest Steals – Sorry Peanut: Portland Pornstars, with 99. The only team stuck in double digits.
· The Most Blocks – Password is Taco, obviously, with 167. 60 of those are from rookie sensation Walker Kessler. SIXTY. Take him off the team and Will’s sitting in fifth in this category
· The Fewest Blocks – Portland Pornstars, with 69 (nice). Old Man Team’s holding on to Not Dead Last by a thread, with 70 blocks. So what we’re learning here is the intangibles start to add up. Hustle plays and defense are more valuable than you’d think
· The Most Turnovers – Rob Riggle, with 428. That’s a big number, especially considering second is Will with 406, and everyone else is under 400. Not exactly hurting them at all, though
· The Fewest Turnovers – Atlanta Stempien, with 222. Way to take care of the ball, Kenny. What we’re learning here is ball control is fucking meaningless
· The Most Double-Doubles – Password is Taco, with 26! That’s 7 more than second-place Rob Riggle
· The Fewest Double-Doubles – unsurprisingly, Old Man Team, with 4. The difference between Old Man Team and Will would be second in this category, hahaha
· The Most Triple-Doubles – Also Password is Taco, with 3. The only other team to pull off this feat is Atlanta Stempien, with Bruce Brown doing it once
· The Most Flagrant Fouls – Twerk Nowitzki, with 5. I blame the coaching staff
· The Fewest Flagrant Fouls – Portland Pornstars and Me, both with 0. Phenomenal coaching, guys. Sportsmanship, and all that
· The Most Ejections – Atlanta Stempien, with 2. If you can’t win the game, win the fight
And so, I end with some made-up odds
To Win the League: Rob Riggle at +250, Password is Taco at +300
To Lose the league: Atlanta Stempien at +400, Old Man Team at +500
The Make the Fewest Moves: Mike Honcho’s Magic Men at -700
To Be the Angriest About Where He Finishes: Brace Family YMCA at +150
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