Rivalry Week

As I wait for the dentist, having forgotten my book at home like a child, I turn my focus to FLRW (Fantasy League Rivalry Week)

Forgive me for advertising this about as poorly as the actual nba did, but this week features two marquee matchups: Isaac v Will and Peanut v Cody. Let’s break them down. 

Isaac and Will are just as likely to be putting down slap-bets on this matchup as they are to be breathing. While Will tried to inject a little feeling back into his life last week by sitting everyone for the final two days for the second week in a row, don’t let that fool you. There will be no sitting anyone this week as Isaac sits alone at the top of the league with just one loss, back in week 7, to fucking Will. 

Cody and Peanut are as we speak sending dramatic Dragonball Z gifs angrily back and forth. While Cody would obviously like a win, both for the league and for bragging rights, Peanut is in serious danger of missing the playoffs. At 4-11, he’s tied with Daniel and OMT. Two of those teams are in, and the final few weeks of the league will be huge for all of them. 

Michael v Steven is just a good matchup, hardly a rivalry, but don’t tell Steven that.

Now for some Free Agents before they stab my teeth with those awful fucking picks. Dentists are sadists. 

-Yuta tha Shootah: Watanabe’s been around the league this year, but he’s on a heater right now, scoring 20+ in three of his last four

-Cedi Osmen: I wouldn’t try it, but he deserves some love for a 63-point game last time out

Slim pickins this time of year. But the trade deadline oughtta shake that up, don’t worry. 

Newsletter

 As a reminder, the first game today is at 3. So get any lineup changes in before then.

 

I’d like to start today by commending you all for not going after Dwight Powell or Jericho Sims, two people I pointed to as likely starters in the injury absences of Mitchell Robinson and Christian Wood (two predictions that came true). You’re all proving to have scraps of decency. That is, of course, unless you didn’t add them because you’re not reading my emails. But hey, if you’re not reading my emails, then you won’t read the part where I call you a bunch of motherless curs whose fathers abandoned them out of shame. And if you are reading, disregard that last bit and forgive my French.

 

Now, onward towards a shoutout:

 

Shouts out Michael for sensing a change in the winds and picking up Jared Vanderbilt, who’s been securely on the bench for the last three games. A tip of the hat to any man who keeps abreast of the Utah freaking Jazz’s lineup changes.

 

Free Agent Roundup:

 

1.     Jaden Hardy – Luka’s out for today’s game, which leaves the biggest hole in production in the entire league. And while you could take a swing on fan-favorite, defense-first-and-only Frankie Smokes, or that rando McKinley Wright IV who’s actually put up good numbers this year when given the chance, I recommend Hardy, who is going to ensure the team doesn’t put up any less shot attempts in Luka’s absence

2.     Dean Wade – Zach Lowe’s favorite dad joke is back in action and picking up the most bench minutes on the Cavs in the last two games. Now, Mitchell’s been hurt, and so has Love, but this team has found a way to stay hurt, so the Ohio D Wade is a good option

3.     Derrick Jones Jr – He’s been on this list before, but seven straight games of double-digit production (four of which being 20+) have ripened his availability

4.     Landry Shamet – I’ve tired of his inability to see the court and have dropped him. If, and this seems likely, this proves to be a rash decision and he comes back very soon, I highly recommend picking him up

 

And now, an update from the Revolution (There are been some murmurs about Derrick White, but I assure you that not only is Will on top of things, he’s the one spreading the murmurs)

 

·      Pat Connaughton – No team is safe from the vengeful eye of the Revolution, not even Old Man Team. Having not noticed, he’s been starting since Christmas. That means the island has spoken, and he will be disposed of today. And none of you cucks can have him so don’t try

·      Saddiq Bey – Bey’s been starting since January 8^th, and while I’ve apparently been slacking off and not noticing any of this, that still means he’s got til February 8^th

·      Malik Beasley – Beasley’s started the last 8 games (since 1/10). Some of this is due to Olynyk’s injury, but that hardly matters. He has until February the 10^th to reclaim his bench role

·      Kyle Anderson – God only knows how many games Slo-Mo’s started in KAT’s absence, but with BP going down there’s now no way Daniel wins a matchup, so it doesn’t matter. The worst-case scenario is I alert him of this and he actually starts paying attention to the league and starts winning

·      Brandon Clarke – While I had my hopes Xavier Tillman would step into the lineup with Adams out, it’s unfortunately been Clarke. When we get the news of Adams being out either three or five weeks, I’ll make the call. Or if Clarke starts tearing it the hell up, a la Christian Wood, I’ll drop him

·      Jordan Poole – In an interesting move, the Warriors have been starting their Pool Party lineup for six games in a row (1/16). Didn’t expect this to continue so I didn’t say anything about it, but you know what they say: six games makes a habit. We’ll be keeping an eye on this

The Will Gambit

There’s only one way to start this email, and that’s with the now-famous Will Gambit. In the muck of the season, as we were, deeply entrenched in the week-in week-out hullabalu, one brave soul fought to stave off monotony with the funniest, ballsiest, highlight reel move of the year: scoring 411 points and then benching all of his players on Friday and changing his team name to Go Kenny Go. As the weekend wore on, it became clear Kenny was gonna have a real shot at toppling the number one seed, and on the final day when Covington and Brown had 30 points apiece, things got a little tight. But never fear, you can’t actually rise above your station. After a single-digit performance from Tre Mann, Kenny, and with him the hopes and dreams of millions watching at home, fell eight points short. Story of the year? Story of the year so far. 

Next I’d like to shout out TJ McConnell once more. I’m just gonna keep doing this until he proves to me he doesn’t belong on Mount Rushmore. Teej became the least-likely member of the triple double club this weekend. As for this house, we pray to TJ McConnell. With his play he’s lifted Old Man Team from 9th to 7th, drastically tilting the playoff picture. It’s actually not too soon to take a looksee at that. 

Third and final shoutout goes to Brace Family YMCA for scoring 666 points. Hell yeah. 

Alright, so some free agents:

Smart and Brogdon are out tonight, and Timelord is questionable. With that info I recommend going after Pritchard. 

Giannis and Middleton claim to be back tonight, which doesn’t impact our league all the much. But god it would be nice to finally see. 

Beef Stew is out tonight, so you might consider Isaiah Livers or Nerlens Noel. Hell, Kevin Knox has been playing well recently, too. 

Dean Wade is back!

With the alleged return of Jonathon Isaac, logically something’s gonna shake up with the Magic’s roster. They sure as hell aren’t dropping Franz or Paolo, so look for Wendell to become eligible, or for them to go jumbo and Gary Harris will free up. Or Isaac will come off the bench. Who knows. This team is capable of anything. 

Newsletter and Revolution Update

Firstly, a potentially unfortunate turn of events in our blockbuster trade from last week between Melton and McDaniels: they've both started the last couple of games. Now for McDaniels this is due to Hayward's obvious injury, which gives him a bit of leeway. For Melton it seems like the Sixers can't figure out what their best lineup is. Neither of them need to be dropped or anything, but they're both on the radar, which puts a bit of a damper on what was otherwise a wild and crazy trade.

Now, let's talk about TJ McConnell. Since Haliburton went down, Old Man Team talisman TJ McConnell has put up, in order, fantasy games of 43, 42, 54, and 72. In that 72 performance he put up a career-high 29 real-life points. I'm gonna show you two sets of real-life stats for the last seven days: 

17 pts, 7 reb, 8.5 ast, and 2.3 stl

24 pts, 8.7 reb, 6.7 ast, and 1 stl

One of these belongs to TJ, the other to our pretty much unanimous MVP: Russ. I had to go all the way to the top to find a stat line that could humble TJ's.

The Revolution

We flexed our muscles and dropped Sengun for Kenny

Thomas Bryant's time is up. AD's supposed to come back in early February, so Peanut if you wanna keep him on your bench that's up to you. He had a great run

Trey Murphy III slipped through our radar but he’s also out of time. Since this is the first notice, Cody’s been given a couple days of leniency

Saddiq Bey has secretly started 10 games in a row. The Pistons are pretty banged up, but his countdown started on December 30th. 12 more days

Naji Marshall’s been starting since January 4th. If Zion doesn’t come back before February 4th, he’s out too

Terance Mann has started 5 games in a row. The Clips are eternally hurt and almost in full-blown flounder mode, so it might be nothing. But we're watching

Landry Shamet is fine, just for clarification. All this time Booker has missed, Shamet has missed too. So don't come after me about Shamet's eligibility

Walker Kessler has started 4 games in a row due to Kelly Olynyk's injury. He's only set to miss another week, so everything should be cool

Robert Williams has been off and on starting but it's due to little injuries to Tatum and Brown. He's still fine, somehow

Free Agent Talking Points

If you pick up Tyrese Maxey you are playing with fire, so don’t get mad at me if I tell you to bench him, but he’s technically available. 

It’s still open season on any Suns bench player. That team continues to be hurt and weird. Saric, Washington, Landale, take your pick. 

Nassir Little is back from injury, and while he’s a bit up and down, he’s useful to Portland. 

Trey Lyles has been on fire ever since Steven dropped him. 

Utah’s head coach Will Hardy went on record saying Ochai Ogbaji will be firmly in the rotation going forward. If you need a young, big guard pick him up

Newsletter (First Game Starts at 1)

I’d like to kick this week off with a big ol’ Hell Yeah to Kenny for securing his first dub. Way to keep the fans interested, although I will say I’m a tad bummed that no one will have a perfect season this year. I’d also like to flip this coin and shame Daniel for losing to Mr. 0-12. Disgraceful.

Let’s keep the wild week recap going with the least heartwarming story of the year: Steven putting the cart before the horse. This week he almost stood a chance of beating Isaac, with a little help from an 85-point performance from undeniable starter Christian Wood. After this, it was strongly implied that he should drop Wood, for he only had a couple days of eligibility left anyways. But a deal was struck, wherein he dropped Gary Trent Jr a week early in order to keep Wood on for one extra day. We can look back to this as the inflection point.

On Saturday, Dummy McGee (Steven) forgot to bring Max Strus off the bench and then promptly decided to talk a good deal of shit. A remarkable decision that honestly must be commended. A series of unfortunate events that Lemony Snicket couldn’t even write unfolded immediately afterward: Wood got hurt and didn’t even play, Jae’Sean Tate got suspended, John Wall got hurt, and Isaac won the week by 106 points. Truly a great moment in our league.

For easily the third and likely the fifth time this season, Cody and Sky High Smiths have put up huge numbers only to come up against the highest scorer of the week. 809 points would have beaten every single other member of the league except for Will, who Cody happened to be playing this week. It all culminated on Friday, when Okongwu had 83 and both Cody and Will crossed the 200 mark for the night. Having not checked, I’m willing to say this is certainly one of the very few times this has happened, if not the only time. Then our main man Gabe Vincent stepped in with 63 on Saturday and we had ourselves a game. Then Will played six guys on Sunday to Cody’s two and it was sealed. (As an aside: Will dropping 920 points is probably the second-most anyone’s dropped in a week. Again, I didn’t check)

One more incredible thing happened this week: Old Man Team won a second game in a row! Playoffs here we come? TJ McConnell scored as many points as Malcolm Brogdon, Oladipo cemented himself as an All-Star, and Pat Connaughton benefitted from Giannis injuries to lead the old-timers to a nail-trimming 11-point victory. Watch your back, Steven, OMT is coming to town!

Now for a couple Free Agents

·      Jalen Johnson – All last week I refrained from putting him on this list because I didn’t trust him. He’s not getting a ton of minutes (15 a night) and the Hawks are such a weird team that it didn’t feel like he could keep it up. Well, he still might not, but in his last four games he’s gone for 32, 19, 20, and 20

·      Shaedon Sharpe – Sharpe’s minutes went up last week, and while he didn’t knock it out of the park, he put up back to back games of 16 and 18. Are the Blazers just drumming up business for the Dunk Contest? Hopefully

·      Juan Toscano-Anderson – He’s finding his footing after being hurt all year and they play Houston today

·      Zeke Nnaji – Zeke’s finally getting a good run of playing time and he’s looked good. The guy I drafted with my final pick is blossoming just like I knew he would

Let’s wrap with some Bonus Stars

The Gabe Vincent Bonus Star for Scoring a Shit-Ton of Points out of Nowhere goes to Gabe Vincent (and by proxy: Cody)

The Next Gen Stats by Amazon Playoff Percentage Bonus Star goes to Old Man Team for jumping from 20% last week to 61% this week

The MLK Day Games Start at 1 PM Bonus Star for Remembering to Make Any Changes Before Then goes to all of you

Gabe Vincent Roundup

I present, this week’s Gabe Vincent Best Free Agents Available (a deeper dive than usual)

1.     Jae’Sean Tate – As a 27-year-old on Houston he’s pretty much Father Time and I love it. All I ever hear is that the Rockets need veteran leadership. Well hey, here’s a guy who can try it out. Not to mention that tonight, in an absolute track meet against Sac Town, KPJ is out. Tate’s expected to hop into the starting lineup, and even if he doesn’t, he’s put up three straight games of 28, 14, and 20 fantasy points since coming back from injury. Frankly, this is one of my kinder moments as Commish because this guy checks every box I’m looking for. In his three games back he’s thrown 2, 4, and 5 assists and gotten 2, 1, and 2 steals in less than 20 minutes per game. The Rockets need a guy like him in the worst way. I’m giving ya’ll til 5 PM and he’s mine

2.     Chris Duarte – Fucking Haliburton’s out two weeks and at this point I’m almost gonna take a break, too. Love this team, love Hali, and everybody and their brother in the league is out a month. The silver lining is that we’ll get to see what Carlisle decides to do with a shockingly crowded roster. My bet is that he’ll play James Johnson again like he did the other night just to piss me off. But the logical thing to do is to slide Nembhard to the 1, Buddy to the 2, Nesmith to the 3, and bring Smith back into the lineup at 4. If he does that, Duarte’s bound to see more minutes. And with more minutes, hopefully, comes the return of last year’s form for a good player

3.     Isaiah Jackson – Here’s possibility number three for the Pacers (and if you don’t like all the Pacers talk you can kiss my astronaut) – Everything I said above still happens, except instead of Duarte getting those minutes, they stay big and Jackson gets them. This is likely to be a game-to-game decision, which is not exactly ideal for us, but Jackson eats every single time he plays. So keep an eye on him, too. They play Atlanta tonight, so make of that matchup what you will

4.     Hamidou Diallo – I made the mistake of thinking his minutes would plummet when Bojan came back so I dropped him for Dyson Daniels. And while I’m still holding out on that being a good long-term decision, Diallo’s 27 last night hurt my pride. They’re a weird team with a lot of injuries, and as long as Hamidou keeps scoring in double digits I don’t see why they’d take him out

5.     Luke Kennard – He’s hurt again but it doesn’t seem long-term and he’s dangerously important to the Clippers. Buy low!

6.     AJ Griffin – I secretly dropped him mid-week because he hadn’t played more than 17 minutes in six games. He’s slid into that Shaedon Sharpe zone where he looks good and he makes a play every game that makes you smile but he’s a rookie on teams who are trying to win. I’d like to be wrong about both of them

7.     Obi Toppin – He’s been dropped by two teams with good reason, and Thibs has constricted his rotation like they’re in the playoffs already (to the point that my guy Hartenstein is holding on by the barest of threads) but he’s back from injury and someone you could take a swing on. Listen, he’s seventh on this list

Some shout outs

• Gabe Vincent – Can’t get enough of this guy. Last night in a typical regular season game for Miami with half the roster out, Gabe played 41 minutes and put up 57 fantasy points! Now, lest you think this earned him a place on his own list above, let’s take a look at the game before that, against OKC: 39 minutes played, 10 fantasy points
• Frank Kaminsky – Frank the Tank is not only still in the league, he’s been playing a little bit for Atlanta. I do mean a little bit. But last night in only 14 minutes he put up 13 real points on his way to a more than solid 27 fantasy point night. Why did the Hornets have to draft him?
• Isaac – With Zion out for a while, Naji Marshall has taken the starting job. Enjoy it!
• Steven – In the dying moments of Christian Wood’s eligibility, he scraped out an 85-point game last night. Chivalry is dead
• Overreactions – In the immediate aftermath of possibly our biggest trade of the season, Jalen McDaniels had 6 points and De’Anthony Melton had 19
• Ricky Rubio – That swarthy man is back and looking good. Damn you, Will, for stealing him from Old Man Team’s clutches

Newsletter

A trade!

On a very ominous birthday for a white man (January 6th) Pat Connaughton bloomed into Old Man Team eligibility. The wise old manager of OMT had been lying in wait for this very day, and he came to the negotiations well prepared. Initially, of course, I as the manager of Brace Family Y wanted Alec Burks. OMT hung up the phone. A minute later they called back, offering me Joe Harris. But I wasn’t to be fooled, Harris is always hurt and when he’s not hurt he’s starting and when he’s not starting he’s generally buns. I asked instead for Seth Curry. We volleyed for the better part of 45 minutes before I was properly wooed (and possibly bamboozled) into accepting a trade for Raul Neto. Neto’s been playing recently, Lord knows why, and in the last game he got 27 fantasy points. Added to that, Garland AND Mitchell are out tonight, so Neto should see plenty of the floor. While he may only be averaging 7 points, Pat’s only averaging 14, so I think it was a win all around.

And now, for an update from the revolution:

• J Williams (the forward) is ineligible. Steven has been informed
• Jalen Duren had 3 days left but then Bagley went and got himself injured and Isaac squeezed another week out of him. So Duren has 10 days
• Thomas Bryant also has 10 days
• Christian Wood has 11 days to find his way back to the bench or he’s gone too
• Steph’s supposed to be back next week, and if that comes true then Poole will be fine (for those wondering)
• Wendell Carter Jr. is somehow still eligible due to an as-usual absurd number of injuries (as well as suspensions) for the Magic, but he’s started two straight and we’re keeping an eye on him
• Same goes for Gary Trent Jr. Started the season, moved back to the bench, now he’s started two in a row. Neither of them are problems as of yet, but they’re under surveillance
• Great news: the number one overall pick Bald Jesus is safely a bench player again!

Alright, some fun stuff: All Star Voting!

With votes from four people so far, here is the total tally as it stands:

Russ – 4

Poole – 4

Bobby Portis – 4

Bennedict Mathurin – 2

Onyeka Okongwu – 1

Malcolm Brogdan – 1

Kelly Oubre – 1

Jalen McDaniels – 1

Bruce Brown – 1

Thoughts:

• Christian Wood and Bol Bol are ineligible, else they would certainly be on this team
• Even with only half the league voting, Russ, Poole, and BP are gonna start the All Star Game hahaha
• I appreciate the Mathurin love. Neither of those votes are from me
• Bruce Brown is getting shafted. Brogdan is, too
• Look at the Hornets, getting some home cooking

Finally, a couple good free agents

1.     Ty Jerome – Ty keeps getting picked up and dropped, but for at least one more week he’s gonna get big minutes for Golden State and he’s playing well

2.     Kenrich Williams – Just another Williams on OKC. And while I’ve personally given up on trying to keep track of just what in the hell the Thunder are gonna do night to night, this Williams has been getting solid minutes and he’s put up three straight games of 30, 25, and 30 fantasy points

3.     Derrick Jones Jr – He’s back for the Bulls and just in time because they might be the weirdest team in the league. A little stability off the bench should see him get plenty of playing time

4.     Dyson Daniels – It’s tricky to take any Pelicans because they rotate about as often as Memphis, but Daniels is coming off a 25 fantasy point night. So long as BI is still out, Daniels is worth the risk if you want him

New Year New Nicknames

I come to you in a new year, with the same mindset: grind. As KD said, “Nobody cares, go to work.”

Can’t believe I haven’t thought of this yet, but here are some Backcourt Nicknames (and also Full Lineup Nicknames) that ya’ll can feel free to use with your friends

Phantom Menace lineup when Daniel runs both Dennis Schroder and Dennis Smith Jr

• Big Titty Committee with Dennis Smith Jr, Dennis Schroder, and Deni Avdija (DDD)

BB&T for when Kenny runs Bogdanovic, Brown, and Tre Mann

• The Williams Sisters with Grant and Ziaire in a desperate attempt at getting Venus and Serena to sponsor the team

VCR for when Will runs (di)Vincenzo, Cole Anthony, and Russ

• WWII for Westbrook, Walker, and GP2

Mozilla Firefox when Steven runs Wright, Williams, and Wall and wants to remember the good old days (WWW)

• BOSS Lineup with Batum, Osman, Strus, and Schofield

Sexland (that’s right, bitches, I’m bringing Sexland back) for Sexton and Hyland YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAWW

• BBC America for Bones, Benedict, Collin, and AJ

Max Payne for when Michael plays Maxey and Cam Payne and wants to remember that awful Mark Wahlberg flick

• McVert for McDaniels and LeVert. Pretty confident you could do a McVert in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater; might be a good sponsorship idea, Michael

White Luke for when Peanut plays Coby White and Luke Kennard

• War and Peace (stylized as Warren Peace) with TJ Warren and Nick Richards

The Office Lineup when Isaac runs Jordan poole, Immanuel quickley, and Malik Beasley (JIM)

• QuikMart with IQ and K Mart Jr

McVic for when Old Man Team runs TJ McConnell and Victor Oladipo (this one kinda rocks)

• LMAO for Love, McDermott, Alec Burks, and Oladipo

And now, I leave you with Bonus Stars

The Don’t You People Ever Die Bonus Star for somehow winning another game even though I know for a FACT he hasn’t looked at the app since week 2 goes to Mike Honcho’s Magic Men. I’ll be so pissed when they make the playoffs

The House Always Wins Bonus Star for not being able to profit off of Devin Booker’s injury pretty much at all last week despite what looked like quality pickups goes to Me, Cody, Old Man Team, and Will

And finally, the Babyshit Strength of Schedule Bonus Star goes to Twerk Nowitzki for getting to play Old Man Team once, Mike Honcho’s Magic Men once, and Atlanta Stempien twice in the final nine games

Injury Talk and Stat Stuff

We’ve had a good deal of shake ups take place recently, and I’m gonna try to dictate all the ripples they’ve caused.

1.     Devin Booker got hurt – I know this isn’t super-recent, but it was domino number one of the present Suns problems (the immediately present Suns problems, that is). Without Booker, CP’s been bad, and then hurt. Then Ayton went and got hurt. Then Cam Payne and Landry Shamet got hurt. All of a sudden Dario Saric was starting and dropping 30 fantasy points (check in with Will to see how well he does tonight). Duane Washington Jr became a walking bucket. Hell, Josh Okogie got picked up (and Peanut dropped Luke Kennard to do it! Respect for the dedication to the Portland name by keeping two unknown but shockingly good (at least Eubanks is) Trail Blazers on the team). Old Man Team dropped Joe Harris tonight to go after Hornets Legend Bismack Biyombo, who is somehow only recently 30. All of these additions would have been lunacy a month ago

2.     Curry got hurt – This brought on another wonderful time for nerds like us when two-way players Ty Jerome and Anthony Lamb became giants among men. Can’t wait for a shittier franchise to sign one of those guys to real money and immediately regret it. Sadly (for us (but not for Isaac, because Poole’s eligibility has remained) Curry’s back

3.     KAT stayed out – They haven’t even put a timetable on his return. Yeesh. Ripple number one from this was that when Gobert also went down Naz Reid became a super star. Ripple number two is that KAT’s been out for so long that Gobert came back and now Naz Reid’s arguably fine. He’s inarguably a very good backup center, but they pay Gobert entirely too much to let Reid cook. And then Taurean Prince came back and I snagged him. Can ya’ll believe Prince is only 28? That man’s one year older than I am

4.     Duren and Beef Stew got hurt (it’s all injury stuff) – Which meant that Will dusted off Nerlens Noel, to mixed results. Also when Bojan went down for a game the Pistons dusted off Kevin freaking Knox! Nobody snagged him, and that’s more than fair, but how great would it’ve been if Kevin snuck into our league? For this brief moment, Hamidou Diallo was a wonderful pickup for me; I’m already worried I dropped him too soon. We’ll see. Also we’re keeping one eye on Saddiq Bey

5.     KD got hurt – We haven’t seen the ramifications of this just yet, but I expect TJ Warren (of bubble fame) will hop into the starting lineup. Making Peanut’s team a fun underdog for the next month or so

6.     ALSO just to butt in here for a second and talk about Peanut’s team – Maxey came back. And after a short, weird stint with Embiid hurt, he’s fully returned to the starting lineup. Meaning that Peanut could now play De’Anthony Melton (all star?) but just hold onto your knickers because before Melton could even play a game Peanut traded him to Michael’s team for Jalen McDaniels!!! A blockbuster trade! Two killers in this league, two all stars (I’ve answered my own question: Melton’s an all star) two equally good players in my mind. Words from sources surrounded the trade who wished to remain anonymous went as such: “I got away with murder,” and “I hope I didn’t fuck myself.”

1. McDaniels has started the last four games. Now, this is only because Gordan Hayward, surprise, got hurt. This trade, not to throw any shade on you, Peanut, is great for McDaniels’ eligibility. On a winning team the lights shined bright (although we missed a pretty big stretch of starts before Christmas), while on an underdog the media is a little more lenient
2. Melton’s a stud. He averages two steals a game. That’s eight points right there
3. Both are invaluable to injury-prone teams and will undoubtedly pick up spot-starts for the rest of the year
4. Their stats, straight-up, without any other implications
1. McDaniels: 26.4 mins, 10.9 pts, 2.1 ast, 4.9 reb, 1.1 stl, 0.6 blk, avg 24.3 fpts, 1022 total points 
2. Melton: 29.8 mins, 11.7 pts, 2.9 asts, 4.7 reb, 1.9 stl, 0.5 blk, avg 29.4 fpts, 1088 total points

I’d like to end with a cool, fun activity to do the next time you’re looking at our league in a browser (the app doesn’t go into as much detail). Go to Standings, scroll all the way to the right, and sort us by real-life points scored. It gets nuts. Let me save you some time and show you now. Again, by real-life points scored, here is how the league looks (with current actual standings in parentheses) :

1. Rob Riggle (2) – NBD
2. Me (5) – Fuck you guys
3. Uranus Stinky Petes (4) – Wood
4. Twerk Nowitzki (3) – Wood, hahaha
5. Password is Taco (1) – Piece of shit assist-and-block team
6. Sky High Smiths (6) – Never change, Cody
7. Portland P***Stars (8) – About to change
8. Old Man Team (9) – Always suspected we were getting shafted
9. Atlanta Stempien (10) – How is he not last?
10. Mike Honcho’s Magic Men (7) – Oh, that’s how