Trade!

 Toronto Receive 

-Bruce Brown

-Jordan Nwora

-Kira Lewis

Indiana Receive

-Pascal Siakam

Christian Koloko and James Johnson were waived.

Some thoughts

• Koloko was really good as a rookie last year, he's been hurt all season this year. Cutting him is painful, hope somebody picks him up. James Johnson understood the assignment, he'll be alright
• The Pacers getting an all-NBA PF without giving up Hield, Mathurin, or Walker is incredible. Yes, they're gonna miss Bruce Brown. But if there's any team in the league who could've used a little clearing at guard, it was the Pacers. Nembhard, McConnell, Hield, and Mathurin should see even more minutes now. The only decision is who starts
• I'm a Jordan Nwora guy. I've been on his island since the Bucks traded him for George Hill and then immediately cried about not having any young wings. I was there to see him simply never play for Indy. Now I'm gonna watch him sit on the bench in Toronto. I suspect I'll be on this island for the rest of my life
• Kira Lewis is fun. Little, fast as hell, showed he's got some goods when the Pelicans were hurt, which was often. Behind IQ, Schroder, and Barnes, I don't see him playing at all. But if Toronto go into the tank, he should see a lot of the floor
• Toronto's tank team would be pretty fun if they decide to pack it in. Gradey Dick and Jalen McDaniels would be dusted off, finally
• Carlisle has shown that he likes Jalen Smith more than Obi Toppin this year, but last year he hated Smith and barely played him. One of those two just lost essentially all of their minutes
• Isaiah Jackson should still be the backup 5 in Indiana, but we'll see how Carlisle handles rotating his stars. Pascal at the 5 with all the shooters they have off the bench could be very interesting, and could spell the end of another fun season from Jackson
• I'd have to think Bruce Brown starts for Toronto after the dust settles, but Gary Trent Jr's been playing well lately, so he might be eligible for us. We'll be monitoring the situation
• Realistically, Toronto's done trading. But if they wanna blow it up, watch out for Schroder going to a contender who needs a backup, and Poeltl, too

Here’s how I think these teams will line up (we’ll obviously keep a close eye on this)

Indy

Hali, Hield, Nesmith, Siakam, Turner

Toronto

IQ, Barrett, Brown, Barnes, Poeltl

Football Time

 Fuck it, if our league was a football team:

Justifications:

• Kevin Love is our park and bark QB1, zipping frozen ropes downfield. Have you seen that man grab a rebound and toss a one-handed zinger all the way across the court? Gotta get somebody back there who can get the ball downfield
• Cam Thomas is an iso legend. Get him the ball and get out of the way
• Kelly Oubre and Bennedict Mathurin are rangy athletes who can high point the ball and make something happen after the catch. Neither have elite speed, but we're getting plenty of stuff underneath with our next two skill players
• Austin Reaves in the slot is racially motivated. He's our Wes Welker
• Kyle Anderson might seem like a terrible TE, but the man quite simply will always be open. He'll find the hole in the zone and sit down in it, ready for the checkdown
• Larry Nance Jr is a rock at Center. Always plays his role with a great attitude, has chemistry with Kevin Love, isn't gonna make little mistakes
• For our Guards we've got tenacity. We need a yard? Bobby Portis is gonna get us a yard. Naz Reid brings the youth and athleticism the other three don't have anymore
• At Tackle we've got two guys who can move their feet. Jaylin Williams is the best charge-drawer in the league, Nic Batum is the quintessential three and D veteran wing. Those guys are gonna stay in front of their defenders

Justifications:

• Our Defensive Ends are pretty self-explanatory. Jonathon Isaac is gonna get in the damn backfield, and if he doesn't, he just needs to stretch one four-foot-long arm up in the air to bat away a pass. Isaiah Jackson plays basketball like a kangaroo. He's batting passes and blowing by offensive linemen all night
• On the interior, we've got one of the premier shot blockers in the league in Onyeka Okongwu, standing his ground and getting those hands up. Next to him we have the scrappiest guy in the league, Marcus Morris Sr. Gotta have a meanie in there to set the tone
• At corner we've got two elite perimeter defenders. Dyson Daniels is huge and Jose Alvarado's gonna call his own number on the blitz and be in the backfield before the QB can blink
• Dennis Smith Jr was practicing to try out in the NFL before the Hornets gave him a second life last year, so yeah, he's on the team. Got him at Nickel so we can pretty much play him wherever he's needed
• Inside Linebacker and play-caller is Dorian Finney-Smith. He's got all the tangibles: 30, 6'7, rangy, veteran enough to have seen it all, in his prime enough to still make the plays
• Outside Linebacker is the longest arms you've ever seen in Bilal Coulibaly, who's gonna win DPoY before he retires
• Strong Safety is Josh Hart. Effort, tenacity, and a helluva rebounder, which I do equate to interceptions
• Free Safety is Matisse Thybulle. I really don't need to explain this one, it's my most defensible pick

A Real-Life Trade!

 New York get: OG Anunoby, Precious Achiuwa, and Malachi Flynn

Toronto get: RJ Barrett, Immanuel Quickley

Both teams not only won the trade, but won the first game they played after making the trade. The Knicks took down the surprise of the season Timberwolves, and the Raptors outlasted the limping Cavs. Good on both of them, let's break down how it affects us:

New York

• DiVincenzo stays in the starting lineup 
• Quentin Grimes remains eligible, and he actually had a good game yesterday. With their weakened bench, they're gonna need him
• Miles McBride becomes, at least for the short term, an almost viable option at backup PG
• Malachi Flynn's really good season takes a header off the dam in The Fugitive. Poor guy, he was killing it in Toronto and Thibs isn't likely to play him at all. Although he'll fight for those McBride minutes, what few Thibs allows
• Josh Hart's importance grows
• Precious Achiuwa becomes their backup center, and I love it. He was drafted by the Heat, and the only thing more Thibs than Thibs is Heat Culture

Toronto

• Immanuel Quickley's two week clock has begun. Sorry Peanut
• Dennis Schroder's looking like a great pickup by Michael
• Chris Boucher is now the de facto backup center. If you wanna ride that rollercoaster, be my guest
• After just going into the starting lineup, Gary Trent Jr's back to the bench and about to play 30 minutes a night
• Not yet, but you'd have to think the Raptors move Siakim, so watch out for Jalen McDaniels and/or Gradey Dick. Again, down the line, not yet

Final Free Agent Roundup of 2023

1.  Dennis Schroder - Don't really know why, by Schroder was moved to the bench in favor of Gary Trent Jr last night. It's not injury related, so he seems eligible. He's been eating, so if he goes back into the starting lineup he's got a very short leash
2. Cody Martin - Martin's suddenly healthy again after a full year of unknown knee problems. Plenty of Hornets are hurt, so he should see serious minutes as their plug and play, do whatever we need you to do guy
3. Vince Williams Jr - Really feels like this is gonna run its course soon, but Williams is still red hot and now coming off the bench
4. Isaiah Joe - Hit a little slump a couple weeks ago and got dropped, he's been a consistent double-digit scorer since then
5. Georges Niang - Clevelands whole damn team is hurt, so Bang Bang Niang is getting tons of minutes. His scoring is a little erratic, but his highs are worth it
6. Xavier Tillman - Bismack is still starting games for the Grizzlies. Tillman's last two games he's scored 20 and 33 fantasy points
7. Cam Whitmore - Dillon Brooks and Jabari Smith Jr are out and Udoka finally unearthed Cam!
8. Jevon Carter - I'm not sure how it makes sense, but Chicago's starting center Vucevic got hurt and their third string PG Carter played double his usual minutes. Four important Bulls players are now hurt, so Carter's increased playing time should continue
9. Amir Coffey - With Kawhi out, Coffey's been playing a ton. Now, has he been doing much? No. But he's getting opportunity

Let's Fix the Pistons

 Fake Trade Season continues, and as the Pistons set the single-season record for consecutive losses at 27, we turn our attention to some realistic trades for them.

• Marvin Bagley for TJ McConnell and Jarace Walker (followed by TJ McConnell for Gabe Vincent)
• Bagley makes $12 mil a year to be a member of the most overcrowded frontcourt in the league. Pop him onto Indiana and they get a higher ceiling version of their backup bigs. He'd play real minutes while unfortunately (for us) diminishing the roles of Jalen Smith and Isaiah Jackson
• McConnell fills in for injured Gabe Vincent and might even get a shake at starting PG for the Lakers
• Walker is a rookie forward they can take a swing on in the rebuild, and Vincent's out for pretty much the whole year so we don't have to worry about him
• James Wiseman for Victor Oladipo
• They've gotta get Wiseman off the roster. Not that he's played that horribly, they've just got too many goddam centers. Jock Landale hasn't worked out for Houston, so maybe Udoka will like Wiseman. I've got my doubts, but a second move for the big man could spark something in him
• Vic's out for the year and on an expiring, so this is literally a roster-clearing move
• Joe Harris for Collin Sexton
• Utah's trying to lose games. Adding Joe Harris is the perfect way to do that. Plus, they clear up space on their own roster for Keyontae George
• Sexton brings what Detroit need: shot creation. Cade gets a scorer, Detroit gets a shooter, Sexton gets a green light
• Bojan Bogdanovic for De'Andre Hunter
• Atlanta get a shooting wing, Quinn Snyder reunites with Bogey, and the Bogdanovic's get to play on the same team(!)
• Detroit get a young, rock-solid defender who can (hopefully) shoot
• Killian Hayes and Monte Morris for PJ Washington
• The Hornets are abysmal defensively, and have been for years. Also, LaMelo's always hurt. Bringing in a couple of expiring contract PGs will give Charlotte more optionality going forward at that position. Also, I think Hayes fits perfectly. Gives them a point of attack defender to pair with Mark Williams in the drop, and isn't gonna take shots away from anybody
• PJ brings a younger stretch 4 to Detroit. He can shoot, fits realistically next to either of their remaining centers, and while he's not the type of player they've been drafting lately, that's a good thing, hahaha

Updated Depth Chart

1. Cade / Sasser
2. Sexton / Ivey
3. Thompson / Knox
4. Hunter / Washington
5. Duren / Stewart

Funnest Fake Trades for Us

As it is officially trade season, we're gonna run through some realistic trades and some more fantastical ones. 

Bulls go Full-Sad

• Zach Lavine for Ben Simmons straight up
• Bulls offload a huge contract for an "injured" player who doesn't wanna be there for a huge contract for an "injured" player that's half as long. They get to sell themselves on the concept of Simmons doing what Lonzo Ball did for them before he got hurt: anchor the defense, initiate the offense. Does it make sense for winning games this year? No. Should they be trying to win games this year? Probably. But if Lavine goes to Brooklyn, that will push Cam Thomas back to us, and that's all I could ever ask for

Pacers Gain Competence but Lose Shooting

• Buddy Hield for Dorian Finney-Smith
• Buddy wanted to be traded this summer. Now that he's back in the starting lineup and looking great, I'm not so sure they're still giving him up. But damn does this team need somebody other than Myles Turner who can defend. Obi Toppin is an exciting lob partner for Haliburton, and Nesmith's great to cheer for, but good god the Pacers are worse at defense than practice cones. DFS is a legitimate three and D vet who fits the needs of the Pacers. Mathurin slides back into the starting lineup (or Nesmith) and we get Obi Toppin.
• On the Brooklyn side of things, either Buddy Hield or Cam Thomas gain eligibility. That's a win-win

Spurs Get Real

• Malcolm Brogdon to San Antonio for Devonte' Graham and Doug McDermott
• If Portland are offered something this shitty for Brogdon they should just keep him. But on the chance they don't get a better offer and he wants out, they clear room for Scoot, and Dougie Buckets can hit some shots
• Spurs get an experienced point guard to help Wemby. Most teams would start Brogdon, so Pop will almost definitely keep him off the bench and very eligible to us. Imagine the assists he'd get, literally just tossing the ball near the rim

Hawks Lighten up, Knicks Shore Up

• Clint Capela for Evan Fournier
• Mitchell Robinson's out for the season, and Jericho Sims is gonna miss some real time, so at center the Knicks are currently running with Isaiah Hartenstein (I like him a lot) and Taj Gibson (yes he's still alive). If they want to do anything, they'll need an actual big. Capela's a double-double machine who can run a great pick and roll with Brunsen and can be flipped over the summer when Robinson comes back (or hung onto in case he doesn't). I actually like this fit a lot, and it keeps Hartenstein nice and eligible
• The Hawks just need to lose some dudes. I think they've got too many wings, but by losing Capela, they promote Okongwu to the starting lineup (good for them, terrible for us) and slide some of their infinite wings to backup 5. AJ Griffin might be a part of the team again

Memphis Get Bigger, Wizards...Don't

• Daniel Gafford for Luke Kennard
• 'Nard Dog just doesn't work out. He's an elite shooter if he can stay healthy and in the coach's favor, but neither of those things ever happen. Without Steven Adams, the Grizzlies have been starting Bismack Biyombo for most of the year. I'm a Biz guy, but come on now. They lose a guy who never plays (Kennard) and they bring in a functional starting center (Gafford). Xavier Tillman might get some spot starts as they work Gafford in, and Biz falls back to the fringes of our league, AKA: Old Man Team's Watch List
• The Wizards get a hypothetical shooter, and they get to really and truly tank. Starting Danillo Galinari at center is a surefire way to get higher lottery odds than even the Pistons

One That Won't Happen

• Pascal Siakim for Trae Young
• Atlanta hand the keys over to Dejounte Murray and start Capela, Pascal, Hunter, and Johnson (when he's back healthy) around him. That's a big, long lineup with clearly defined roles that gives us Saddiq Bey and keeps Okongwu and Bogdanovic eligible
• Toronto get something back for a star player! What a huge win for them. Trae clashes mightily with Scottie Barnes but if there was ever a complimentary backcourt duo it's them. This gives us Dennis Schroeder, which is great

The Warriors Turn Heel

• Gordon Hayward and Miles Bridges for Klay Thompson
• Hornets get worse, but better morally. Klay gets a fuck you year and plenty of shots. We lose PJ Washington's eligibility
• Warriors get a forward who can keep the ball moving and shoot (Hayward), and a freak athlete (Bridges) who can pair with Kuminga to keep this old team spry. Plus, Bridges meshes well with Draymond: both went to Michigan State, both take out their anger with violence. The moral pendulum swing from Klay Thompson to Miles Bridges is enough to kick the team into the final phase of a dynasty. You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain 

Free Yuta

• Yuta Watanabe for John Konchar
• Memphis get another high-character guy to put around Ja and remind everyone that they're the blue collar, grit and grind Grizzlies instead of the dumb as rocks Grizzlies. Yuta fills their need for shooting wings, and he actually gets to play, which would be music to my ears
• Phoenix get rid of a guy who's not playing at all and bring in a solid shooting guard to help with Bradley Beal constantly being hurt. Konchar plays a ton, just like I predicted he would in the Summer. Everyone wins, mostly me

Return of Jevon

• Jevon Carter and Andre Drummond for Pat Connaughton
• Bucks realize they never should've let my guy go and they bring him home where he belongs. Carter helps their nonexistent point of attack defense, and plays enough to warrant me picking him up. Drummond gives them a backup center, allowing Bobby Portis to slide to the 4, and overall crunching the rotation so they don't have to play their youngest players big minutes. Plus, he can start some games to take the burden off of 35-year-old Brook Lopez
• Pat Connaughton steps into a Bulls team in tumult. He is at worst a trade asset they can flip immediately, and at best a shooting wing who rebounds like a madman. Wouldn't start, but would help their sad bench tremendously

Free Agents as X-Men

Eric Gordon/Grayson Allen - Scarlet Witch

Sometimes she's Magneto's daughter, sometimes she's a more-or-less Russian orphan, sometimes she's really good, sometime's she's an unstoppable enemy. When the team needs her, she can shut down the fight in an instant or she can hole up and be useless. When the team least expects it, she can come in clutch or she can destroy the framework of reality. I don't know which one of these guys is gonna stay healthy and stay on the bench, but with Bradley Beal out another couple of weeks minimum, we're about to find out.

Andrew Wiggins - Cyclops 

In a time that feels like decades ago, Wiggins was an essential part of a championship-winning team. He set the tone physically, he meshed brilliantly with his teammates, and he was one of the first names on the teamsheet for his esteemed boss. Now, much like Scott Summers in the X-Men trilogy of our childhood, he's been all but killed off. He's a big name, floundering around sadly at the bottom of a very big reservoir shouting "JEAN!" Hopefully he can dust himself off and become the leader of a new unit, one with young, athletic, fun players. Uncanny players, if you'll allow the reference.

Quentin Grimes - Pyro 

This one's a little obvious, but when Grimes is hot from three he's undeniable. The main issue is that he's been hanging out with Iceman a little too much. He went on a 7-game 10-or-fewer fantasy ppg streak pretty recently, which saw him get benched for The Big Ragu. It hasn't exactly lit a fire under his ass like Thibs would've hoped, but he's still a dogged defender who's gonna shoot his way out of this slump.

Zach Collins - Mystique 

Depending on which timeline we're dealing with, Collins is ineligible, hurt, or a reliable member of the team. At the writing of this blog, he is a reliable member of the team. But he's fickle, and just as liable to get hurt or go back into the starting lineup as he is to give the Spurs a solid backup 5, it's all too confusing for me.

Isaac Okoro - Nightcrawler 

He's popped up with the starters, he's gotten big minutes off the bench, he's played 2-4, he's turned in games of 41, he's turned in games of -4. You truly never know where he's gonna BAMF up next, but with Mobley and Garland out a while, and Dean Wade currently filling in with the starters, Okoro's gonna get his chance.

Tristan Thompson - Banshee 

Look, they can't all be blockbuster material. Some of these comparisons just have to be spot-on, like this one is. Thompson's on the team as a locker room guy, someone to show the young kids the ropes, and occasionally to step in as a big body in an altercation. Back in his day he talked a good deal of shit, and he meshed with the superstars. Now, with all the injuries on this Cavs' team, he's being asked to shake off the rust and play some real minutes. Banshee's the exact same character in the comics, just trust me this is the best one I've done.

Taylor Hendricks - Jubilee

Invented for the TV show, Jubilee's got all the tangibles: killer yellow jacket, swag out the wazoo, a sparkly power no one fully understands. Hendricks was drafted pretty high by the Jazz this year, and after missing all summer with an injury, all we know about him are his window dressings. But a 6'9 shooter fits in everywhere, and if you throw out an outlier off night against the Clippers, Hendricks is averaging 19.5 fantasy ppg over six games.

Richaun Holmes - Kitty Pryde 

Dereck Lively sprained his ankle and is out Monday. Footers don't recover from ankle sprains all that quickly, even young ones, so Holmes could actually get a chance to run with the big dogs. When he is allowed to play, he's quite good. It just seems like he slips through the cracks and never gets to shine. Or, that he goes intangible when the moment comes, and no one can get ahold of him. Mostly I made this comparison because I found this sick-ass pick of Kitty.

Nathan Mensah - Magneto's Helmet

Now, am I saying Nathan Mensah is one of the most powerful mutants of all time? No. The real comparison comes from 'Neto's helmet blocking Xavier from viewing him in Cerebro. Clearly Mensah is a descendant of Magneto and got this helmet passed down to him like Harry Potter and the invisibility cloak, because this man played 29 minutes for the Hornets on Saturday in a real NBA game, and ESPN fantasy doesn't even have him as a searchable player. You cannot find him. Love this team.

Trayce Jackson-Davis - Spyke

Another character created to help push a TV show, Spyke's real power is his ability to be super radical at all X-treme sports. As a new member of the team in X-Men Evolution, he adds some spunk and swag to the identity-less X-Men. All he needs is a shot, and he'll show everyone that he can shoot disgusting bone spikes out of his elbows or something. Rookie big man TJD is looking to do just that to a Draymond-less Warriors team. Not the bone stuff, but the spunk and swag. Remember that part of the comparison? As an overreaction to one game against Portland, I think the rim-running TJD is setting himself up for serious playing time and real production. Give CP3 a big man and watch the magic happen.

Kenneth Lofton Jr - Colossus

I could've gone in much more offensive direction (The Blob) but I choose to see Kenny as he truly is: a lovable member of Thick Boi Nation whose body is a foreign concept. Can you move Colossus? No. Can you move Lofton Jr? Equally no. When either of them get a head of steam would it kill a man to stand in their way? Yes. I can't believe Memphis cut him. It broke my heart. Now he's wandering around like Peter Rasputin, but once a team (please be a fun one) picks him up, he'll transform into the unstoppable Colossus we all know him to be.